


The Wandering and Wondering of Clarke Griffin

by LovelyLola



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Development, Drama, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Explicit Language, F/M, Flashbacks, Homecoming, Love, Past Relationship(s), Road Trips, Romance, Slow Burn, Wonderlust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-16
Updated: 2015-07-23
Packaged: 2018-03-23 05:05:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 24,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3755512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LovelyLola/pseuds/LovelyLola
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clarke left in the dead of night, taking her dad's car and leaving everything behind. She sets off to find herself, wondering who she even is anymore. Almost two years later, she's back in town and desperate for some kind of connection. In a moment of weakness, she calls Octavia. And what was suppose to be a quick visit turns into months.</p><p>Will Clarke really be able to leave everyone behind again? Or will she stay, finally finding a home in Bellamy Blake?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Introduction to the Past

**Author's Note:**

> So this is a story I have been holding onto for a while now. I have been so caught up in the plot and tone of this story, that I had to write it or I'd lose my mind. I hope you all enjoy it as much as I do! Please let me know what you think!

This is the closest Clarke has been, the signs on the highway reading 150 miles to her alma mater. Well, not exactly, as she left after freshman year. But she hasn’t been back in - well, just over a year and a half. 

And she feels a sudden urge to go back, to see everyone again - to see _them_ again. 

But she can’t - she left for a reason. And she can’t just throw away everything she’s worked for, everything she’s done. To have it all be for nothing. 

 

She left in the middle of the night, packing up only the essentials and taking off in her dad’s tiny hybrid. She might have made fun of him for buying it, but now she’s glad her dad stood by his environmental beliefs and bought the ridiculous car. It won’t use a lot of gasoline. Which is good considering her mom cuts Clarke off after only being on the road for a day. 

She makes it all the way to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina before her gas tank is on empty. She manages to pull into a surf shop, its entrance in the shape of a shark’s head. She doesn’t know what to do, looking at the random merchandise haphazardly on display in the store. She is out of gas, and money, and ideas. 

So Clarke stands in an aisle of cups, magnets, and teeshirts all plastered with palm trees and crescent moons. She racks her brain, trying to come up with something when a couple comes up to her and asks for some assistance. It shocks her that they think she _actually_ works there, but she ends up helping them - so what she’s been in the store long enough to know the bathing suits are on the second floor. 

Then she notices the store is actually quite busy, filled with families and couples on vacation. And thats when she gets the idea, marching up the manager and asking for a job. The man, his name tag says John Murphy, just gives her a once over before giving her an application. He calls her later that night, telling her to be back at the store the following morning. 

Thats how she ends up in South Carolina, living out of her car for awhile until she finally breaks down and rents a room at a roach motel. Ok, it isn’t _that_ bad. But it does have some questionable customers, and there are some strange stains that Clarke doesn’t even want to think about - instead she sleeps fully clothed and changes in the morning after showering. 

She stays for a few months, till the end of the summer season. When all the tourists head home, Murphy finally lays her off, telling her to come back next summer if she’s in search of a job. 

So she checks-out of the motel and moves on, thinking that maybe tourist attractions are her best bet for employment. Clarke makes it to Kissimmee, Florida before getting another room in a slightly better motel. After putting together a pathetic resume, she heads to Downtown Disney looking for a job. She applies to every store and restaurant, even the stand that sells ice cream sandwiches in the shape of Mickey Mouse heads. 

Thankfully she doesn’t have to work at such a stand. However, she does have to suffer through the interior of Rainforest Cafe, and the music, and the hyper kids, and the grumpy parents. The fact that it’s across the street from an ice cream stand makes it that much worse, as she starts getting a Mickey shaped treat everyday. 

But it pays well, and she manages to get pretty good tips. For the first few months, she is clueless as to why - even after _utterly_ messing up an order, she still gets twenty five dollars. 

Then one of her coworkers, a guy named Miles who Clarke is fairly sure has a crush on her, lets her in on a secret. 

“You look like a princess!” 

“W-What?” She stutters, her throat feeling tight as she remembers _him_ \- the only person who has ever called her Princess. 

“You do! Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Rapunzel... You know, you should really audition.”

“Audition? For what?” 

“To be a princess. You know, some times I play Peter Pan. Maybe you could be my Tinker Bell.” 

Clarke just laughs him off, not interested in anything close to an actual job, or any kind of commitment. 

She left home for a reason, wanting to escape her past. And getting a full time position at Disney World would be the opposite of that - or thats what she tells herself. That she is finding herself, and not just continuously running away. 

She keeps the job though, earning herself enough money to fill the jewelry box her dad gave her, stashing it in the trunk of the car.But Miles keeps pressuring her, until one day he brings her an application to audition for the part of Alice in Wonderland. 

“They have an opening! All you have to do is fill it out!” 

“Miles...” 

“Come on Clarke, for me.” 

She takes the application, gives him a smile, and quits at the end of the day. 

She’s on the road again, heading back north in search of a big city this time. She stops when she gets to Atlanta, taking a break for the night. And by some miracle, the guy at the bar next to her sees the doodle on her napkin - it seems he likes her work. Next thing she knows, she’s got a job at the front desk of a tattoo parlor that Finn and Raven own. 

She mostly answers calls and manages the register. But sometimes, Finn asks her to draw up a design for a tattoo. 

And Clarke _loves_ it. 

She tries not too, she really does. But Clarke gets to be creative, and Raven is awesome. Plus Finn has a positivity that _almost_ makes Clarke sick; but thankfully, Raven’s cynicism levels everything out. 

Clarke hardly even stays in the disgusting motel she’s paying for, as Raven and Finn let her stay at the parol when she works late, which is most night. 

It isn’t long before Clarke gets a tattoo of her own. A tree that starts at her hip and spreads across her back with the branches reaches cross her shoulders. It’s in memory of her dad, the environmental engineer who wanted nothing more than to eliminate air pollution and _ironically_ died from lung cancer. 

Or thats the explanation she gives when Finn asks if there is a meaning behind her tattoo, while she tries desperately to ignore the pain of the needle and the feeling of Finn’s hands on her back.

Not that she’s attracted to him. _Sure_ , he is good looking. But he has a girlfriend - Raven, who is badass to say the least. And he’s her boss. And for the first time since she’s left, she has found somewhere that _might_ be worth while - a place she can be herself without being that “poor Griffin girl”. 

And like she said, she _isn’t_ attracted to him. 

She’s just starved for human contact. 

So when Finn finishes the tattoo, Clarke makes her way to the local bar to find someone she can go home with for the night. She successes rather quickly, getting the attention of slim man with light colored hair. She lets him buy her _more_ than a few drinks, feeling slightly woozy when she climbs off her barstool. 

They only make it to street leading to the parking garage when the man - Clarke thinks his name is Dax - pushes her to the wall. His hands wander while his lips fervently press against hers. 

Clarke leans into it, her body flush against the man. But when she closes her eyes and lets her hands rake through his hair, she doesn’t see Dax. 

Instead she imagines her fingers getting tangled in curly dark locks, while perfectly tanned skin presses into her. She can feel the large, warm, and calloused hands gripping her hips. The same hands that held onto her at her father’s funeral. He hadn’t offered her words of comfort, knowing that there were none to give. Instead he stands behind her like a statue, acting as her own personal guard. So he just held onto her, pressing her back to his chest and gripping her shoulders tightly. 

And it is then that Clarke’s eyes snap open, forcing herself to acknowledge that the man before her is not _him_ \- is not Bellamy. 

She pushes the man away, hiding in her car for the rest of the night. 

She only says in Atlanta for another two weeks. Because despite Finn and Raven’s demands for her to stay, she suddenly feels suffocated by the city. And the ghosts that are following her every move. 

So she tries to out run them, this time ending up in Charleston. 

She works in a bookstore during the day, while manning a laundromat at night. She doesn’t interact with anyone, doesn’t seek any connection. She doesn’t bother getting a motel room, instead she lives out of her car and uses the laundromat bathroom as her own. But despite this, she still manages to cling onto someone - a small girl named Charlotte who comes to the laundromat with her mom every Friday night

 Charlotte asks Clarke for help with her homework. Which turns into Clarke being a participant in Charlotte’s science fair experiment - the young girl proudly winning a 1st place ribbon. Soon Clarke is playing boardgames with the girl while her mom folds clothes. 

And Clarke wants to push Charlotte away, but she can’t. Instead she keeps an eye on the girl, noticing how thin both Charlotte and her mother are. So Clarke starts buying them dinner, the three of them eating takeout food while watching Jeopardy. 

But then Christmas comes around. And Clarke is seized with the desire to buy the girl a present. One for Charlotte’s mother too. 

And thats when Clarke _knows_ she is in to deep - that she has to get out now, while she still can. 

So she has dinner with them one last time before leaving, yet again heading out on the road. 

And now she’s the closest she can be to her past. The closest she can get without driving to the edge of the east coast. Without going back to her family home, which is the last place she wants to be. 

But despite her desire to run, to remain unattached and independent; she is desperate to see _them_ \- see _him_. To know that they are ok, that they have gone on perfectly fine without her. 

Not that she wants them too. But if they have, maybe then she can _finally_ let them go.

Whatever the reason, she has to see them again.

So Clarke picks up her phone, knowing exactly who to call.


	2. Phone Calls and Photos

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke has plans with Octavia, but things don't go as smooth as she hoped. So she's not that shocked when she ends up at Bellamy's apartment, with Octavia yelling while her brother acts as protector - _surprise_.

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Octavia. This is me -” But before she can finish, Octavia cuts her off. 

“Clarke?!” The shock and disbelief are evident in the brunette’s tone, and Clarke can’t think of what to say, at a suddenly loss for words. But Octavia doesn’t let the silence last for long. “I - You got a new number.” 

“Um yeah. I mean, yes. I did.” Clarke stutters, choosing not to tell her friend that Abigail Griffin had forces Clarke to be unreachable - the last conversation Clarke had with her mom was a fight, Abigail refusing to support her daughter’s request for space and demanded for the blonde to return home. When Clarke stood her ground, her mom cut her off which included phone bills. Clarke went a month before breaking down and getting a prepaid phone, entering every number she could remember into the contacts. 

That didn’t include her mom’s phone number. 

There is a another pause, one the Octavia chooses not to fill. So Clarke forces herself to continue. 

“I am actually close to campus for the first time since. . .” There is another pause, this time filled with all the possible answers. 

Since the night of our party. 

Since the night my dad died.

Since the night I ran away.

Clarke clears her throat, trying to alleviate the tight feeling that is suffocating her. She doesn’t manage it, as her words sound breathless. “Anyways, I was wondering if you’d be willing to see me? Just for, like, an hour or something?” 

The silence seems infinite as Clarke waits for Octavia to answer, hoping against hope that maybe, _just maybe_ , she will - 

“Sure.”

“Really? I mean, you’re not too busy or -” 

“I said sure Clarke, that means I can meet you.” 

Clarke tries to rein in the hurt she feels at Octavia’s biting words, knowing they are warranted. 

“Ok, well I am about an hour away.”

“Then I’ll meet you at the cafe. See you then.”

And before Clarke can say anything else, Octavia hangs up. 

Clarke drops the phone into the cup holder, a smile on her face despite Octavia’s abrasiveness. It is Octavia, after all. 

But her joy doesn’t last, as it takes her longer to get to the cafe - the one they use to frequent when studying. So Clarke just barely catches Octavia as she is leaving, her hand clutching a cup as if she might strangle it. 

Clarke just hopes Octavia doesn’t try to use that grip on her neck. 

“Octavia!” Clarke yells, running across the parking lot despite the cars honking at her. She doesn’t stop till she is in front of the brunette, and she can’t stop herself from throwing her arms about her best friend. 

Octavia doesn’t return the hug. 

“You said one hour.” Is all Octavia says as Clarke awkwardly pulls away. 

“I know. But there was this accident with a truck and there was fruit all over the road and -”

But Clarke knows Octavia doesn’t care if there was an accident or not, the furrow in her brow unwavering. 

“I’m so sorry, Octavia. Please, lets just go back inside and we can talk.”

“I can’t, I have class now. And I’m busy the rest of the day.”

Clarke’s heart drops at the girl’s words, but all she can manage is, “Oh, ok.” 

Her disappointment must be evident though, as Octavia’s expression softens. “But maybe I can meet you when I’m done. Where are you staying? I’ll just drop by.” The brunette’s face hardens as Clarke stammers, glancing at her car before looking back at Octavia. “Absolutely not.” 

“Octavia -”

“You are not staying in your car Clarke! You - I -” Octavia’s face turns red as she searches for words, her anger leaving her speechless. And then she is searching through her bag, before shoving something into Clarke’s hands. “Here. Wait for me at the apartment.” 

“Apartment?” Clarke replies, looking down at the key in her hands. “You mean, you don’t live on campus anymore?”    
“Well after you bailed on me, I didn’t really want another roommate. And when I couldn’t get a single, Bell let me move in with him. You do remember where his apartment is, don’t you?”

“Yeah, but I -”

“No. Just go to the apartment. And don’t you _dare_ think of leaving.” 

And with the Octavia turns and walks away. 

Clarke feels disoriented, standing there with a key to Bellamy’s apartment in her hand. She hadn’t thought about seeing him, about staying in town. She only wanted to check in, make sure everything is ok and then leave. But she knows Octavia will not forgive her if she takes off without saying goodbye again.

But that doesn’t mean she looks forward to going to the apartment and seeing Bellamy. Being alone with him until Octavia comes home, which is god knows when. 

So Clarke decides to go into the cafe, buying a bagel and a coffee. She tries to eat as slowly as possible. But when she realizes the possibility of someone else she knows walking in, so Clarke shoves the remaining food in her mouth before heading over to the Blake’s. 

Bellamy’s apartment is only 5 blocks from campus, which means that he could check on Octavia whenever he wanted while still giving the girl an allusion of independence. They had moved when Octavia was accepted into the university, as he wanted to stay close to the only family he had. 

But as Clarke pulls in a visitor's parking, all she can feel is dread when she remembers the last time she was here. Feeling even worse at the thought of Bellamy being home. 

But she makes herself get out of the car, climbing the steps to apartment 4D. She knocks, her heart in her throat as she waits for an answer. However, all she hears is silence and breaths a sigh of relief before entering. 

The apartment is just as she remembers, open concept narrowing to a hallway with two bedrooms and a bathroom. Although it is much messier than when Bellamy and Miller lived here - she wonders where Miller lives now. 

She steps into the apartment, the door snapping shut behind her. And she suddenly has no idea what to do, if she should do anything at all. She sits on the couch for awhile, trying not to move. She doesn’t bother turning on the television, not know any of the popular shows or even being interested in discovering them. So she ends up staring at the wall, not actively observing her surrounds.

But then something moves in her peripheral vision - a bird landing on the railing of the apartment’s balcony. And that’s when she sees it. A narrow bookshelf that is overflowing with texts. But some of the shelves also have trinkets and pictures. And what catches her eyes is a candid shot from the Halloween of freshman year. 

_Clarke doesn’t know how, but somehow Octavia talked her into it. She sure it happened when she was half asleep, or stressed - most likely both. But that doesn’t mean Clarke likes it, as she turns to examine the damage Octavia has done._

_“Don’t you think it’s a bit much?”_

_“No!” the brunette protests. “How could it be, when you look perfect?!”_

_Clarke doesn’t quite agree, examining the reflexion of herself as she pulls on the hem of her costume. It seems way to short, barely covering her thighs which allows several inches of pale skin the be on display. And Clarke doesn’t know if she should be thankful Octavia let her wear tight-high white tights or not, as it covers her skin but also makes the outfit even more sensational._

_Clarke does know that the puffy sleeves are itchy, and that the plastic crown perched on her head will give her a migraine. And she can’t help but groan when Octavia shoves a wand into her hand._

_“Now you really are perfect.”_

_“Octavia, do we really have to go as Princess Peach and Princess Daisy?”_

_“Yes! Besides, I already got the guys to agree. Oh, that will be them now!” She says, as there is a knock on the door. She opens it to revile Atom, Octavia’s current boyfriend, and Bellamy._

_And Clarke can’t help laughing at them, dressed as Luigi and Mario._

_Atom doesn’t seem to notice, as his eyes are glued to the generous amount of skin Octavia has on display. But Bellamy looks every bit the disgruntled brother, his expression dark as he stomps into the room._

_“Oh, shut up.” He says, glaring at Clarke, who just laughs harder when Bellamy’s frown makes his fake mustache move. “You don’t look any better.”_

_“Please, Clarke looks hot.” Octavia replies, as Clarke pulls on her dress once more. And she thinking about telling Octavia to forget it, that she isn’t going out. But the brunette must sense a protest, as she grabs Clarke’s arm and pulls her from the room._

_Out in the hallway, Clarke feels even more insecure despite all the other girls wearing equally reviling clothing - Clarke has never used others as a gauge for her own actions, and tonight no exception._

_Octavia is enjoying herself though, and the smile on her friend’s face is almost enough to make Clarke’s discomfort worth it. But then Clarke notices Atom’s gaze and Octavia’s smirk, and she’d make fun of her best friend if her brother wasn’t around. And Clarke knows she’s on Bellamy duty when he groans, and Octavia looks at her pleadingly._

_So she falls into step with Bellamy, trying not to laugh at his expression. But Bellamy must sense it, as he says, “Would you give it a rest? It’s Halloween, you’re suppose to wear a costume and look stupid.”_

_“Everyone is suppose to dress up, but only you look stupid.”_

_Bellamy makes a disgruntled noise, crossing his arms over his chest. “You can’t fool me. I know Octavia made you do this too.”_

_“You’re right. I guess I’m just lucky she’d rather show off my body than dress me like a fictional plumber.”_

_At this Bellamy smirks, making Clarke feel unsure of herself. “Luck for us both, princess.”_

_And Bellamy makes a show of looking her up and down, his smirk still plastered on his face._

_She is annoyed by the display and the stupid nickname he gave her. And all she wants is to erase the triumphant look he’s wearing. So she takes him by surprise, linking her arm through his before stating, “Lucky for you, I’m just your princess for the night.”   This seems to shock Bellamy, his lips pulled tight in a thoughtful expression._

_Clarke feels giddy by her victory._

_It isn’t much longer till Octavia forces them all to take a picture, and this time Bellamy shocks Clarke by throwing his arm around her shoulder and pulling her close._

_She’s also surprised when he stops calling her princess. Or rather, only calls her it when they are alone together._

Clarke shakes her head, forcing the memory away. But it becomes increasing harder to sit and do nothing, so she decides to be useful. Beginning to clean the living room before making it to the kitchen. And she is nearly finished with the dishes when she hears the door open, and turns to see - 

“ _Clarke?!_ ” Bellamy says, looking as if he has seen a ghost. Which Clarke supposes is an appropriate response to seeing a girl who disappeared almost two years ago standing in your kitchen, washing dishes. 

But as he moves closer, his expression becomes equal parts elated and apprehensive. And Clarke tries not to feel happy at the possibility of Bellamy actually being excited to see her, convincing herself that the fluttering in her stomach is from hunger and not butterflies. 

But the light in his eyes is hard to look at, as it makes her heart feel constricted.

Instead she watches as he makes his way closer to her, placing a stack of files on the table - she wonders if he’s a social worker yet. If he’s earned his degree and is now helping children who are in need, just as he and Octavia were. 

“Um, hey Bellamy.” She stammers, quickly drying her hands before turning to face him. “I - I didn’t know what to do so -”

“So you thought you’d be you and clean up after the kids.” He replies. “No need to explain, princess.” 

Clarke tries not to panic at his reference to her care for _them_ \- for _him_. That she is still the group mom. She also tries to ignore the use of her nickname, reminding her that they are in fact alone. Together. In an empty apartment. 

“So, uh, Octavia told you I’d be by?” She says, her throat making it hard to speak. 

“She said you were meeting her at the cafe. So, no.” 

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’ll just -” and Clarke moves toward the door. But Bellamy reaches out to stop her. 

“It’s ok, Clarke. No need to leave. I was just about to make dinner.” 

And then he says he’s making tacos. So when he hands her an avocado, begging her to make her famous guacamole, she agrees to stay. 

And Clarke is just starting to think that _maybe_ everything hasn’t changed. That she isn’t a stranger in the place she once called home. 

But then she notices Bellamy’s anxiety as he continually checks the clock, and she starts to feel uneasy. Neither say anything though - that is until ten minutes before seven. 

“You hurt her, you know.” 

“What?” Clarke says, confused by his whispered words. 

“Octavia. You really hurt her when you left.” 

“I - That wasn’t my intention.” Clarke tries to explain. But Bellamy continues, 

“I know that. But that doesn’t mean Octavia hasn’t changed - that we all haven’t been effected by it. That things aren’t different.” 

“No, I know. I mean, I’ve guessed.” She says, feeling her face turn red as her heart beats faster. And she suddenly feels unsteady on her feet as the urge to run takes over. And before she knows it, her keys are in her hands and she’s headed for the door while Bellamy says, 

“Wait, Clarke.” 

But before she takes more than five steps, the door swings open. 

“Hey O.” Bellamy says, “I made tacos.” 

“Oh thank god, I’m starving.” Octavia says, throwing her bags onto the floor as Clarke tries to make herself as small as possible. 

“How was kickboxing?” 

Clarke tries not to frown, not believing that Octavia actually takes kickboxing. She remembers when the brunette only ran five miles around campus so that the guys could stare at her in her short exercise shorts. 

“It was good.” Octavia says, her eyes finally finding Clarke. “I’m surprised you’re still here.” 

“Well, you did tell me not to leave. _Or else_.” Clarke says, her nerves settling slightly at the sight of Bellamy’s grin. 

But Octavia seems less than please. 

“Wouldn’t be the first time you left when I wanted you to stay.” 

The ground seems to crumble under Clarke at the brunette’s words. And Octavia’s expression makes it clear that she is in no mood for excuses or apologies. 

And Clarke suddenly has no idea what to say, every response feeling inadequate. 

“Octavia. I - I can explain. I -” 

“No. I don’t want to hear it Clarke. I wanted to see you, to see the girl that was the closest I had to family outside of Bell. But then I saw you, and all I could think was how you left me - left us! And I don’t understand how you haven’t called or visited in all this time. How you haven’t checked in once. And then I realized, it’s because you don’t give a crap about us. That all you are is a selfish, inconsiderate -” 

But she doesn’t finish as Bellamy cuts her off, stepping between the two. Pressing his back to Clarke’s front while Octavia’s finger jabs her brother’s chest instead of the blonde’s.

“O, don’t you think you’re being a little -” 

“No, no she isn’t.” Clarke says, “She’s right. I didn’t think about what leaving would do to everyone. And I’m not going to make excuses or say I’m sorry. Because all I’m trying to do is my best, to do what I think is right.” 

The room is still, the Blake’s shocked silent. And Clarke takes the opportunity to move back towards the door, before saying, “And turning up out of the blue was selfish of me. I shouldn’t have come back, not like this. I -”   But then Bellamy’s hands are on her shoulders, rooting her to the spot. “You’re staying for dinner.” And his tone leaves no room for disagreement. 

Clarke is about to argue anyways, when suddenly Octavia’s arms are wrapped around her in a tight embrace. 

“Bell is right. You have to stay for tacos. Especially if you made guacamole.” 

Clarke feels she owes it to them, to stay for dinner. So she suffering through it, feeling awkward while the Blake’s talk about their days. But she knows she’ll be able to leave - to disappear into the night. 

But after helping clean up, Bellamy insists she stays the night. 

“You can sleep on the couch. It might not be much, but -” 

“Please, it’s better than her car.” 

Bellamy looks upset at Octavia’s words. But his impending lecture is prevented by his sister insisting he gets Clarke’s bags. Clarke tries to protest, but the look Octavia gives her says to shut up. And the hint of fear hiding behind the brunette’s tenacity tells Clarke everything. That Octavia is scared Clarke will get in her car and drive away - which isn’t far from the truth. 

But then Bellamy is back, berating Clarke for treating her processions so haphazardly. 

“Everything in here is dirty or worn. And smells.” 

“Well I’m sorry I’m not living up to your level of cleanliness.” 

“That’s not the only thing you should be apologizing for.” Octavia says, throwing her a towel. “When was the last time you showered?!” 

Clarke scowls as the siblings laugh at her. 

But when she lays down on the couch a few hours later, she is not so secretly happy she gave Octavia a call. 

But she still feels slightly apprehensive at being in a place that once meant so much. Once being the operative word. Especially since she is no longer that person anymore, _can’t_ be that person anymore. 

She’ll give herself a week, max. Then she is out of here, for good this time. 

Because she can’t go back to the past, can’t be that “poor Griffin girl”. 

Can’t forgive herself, or anyone else. 

So she’s has one week, then she’s gone.


	3. Beer Pong and Hospitals

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke wants desperately to leave, but that doesn't seem possible. Add an intoxicated Bellamy to the mix, and Clarke's life becomes _interesting_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this story is already at the midway point! AH! I hope you are all enjoying the story so far. Happy reading!

Clarke’s plan to leave doesn’t work out as she planned. She wanted to say goodbye, but not in so many words. So Friday night she bakes Octavia’s favorite cookies, hoping to leave them on the counter before taking off. But the brunette walks through the door just as Clarke is putting on her jacket. And Octavia is so happy about the cookies, she takes Clarke out. Granted it is just to the bar Bellamy works at - seems he’s just an intern at the social work office. 

So Clarke thinks about leaving on Sunday night, when Bellamy is working and Octavia is at a study group. But when they get home from the bar, Octavia insists Clarke stays in her room. 

“The couch isn’t _that_ comfortable. Besides, I have a a double bed. Plenty of room!” 

Which is a lie, as Clarke discovers when she wakes up with Octavia basically kicking her out of bed - to say Octavia steals the covers is an understatement. 

But her new plan for escape doesn’t succeed. Because when she comes back Saturday afternoon, she finds her stuff in Octavia’s room. When Clarke asks about it, Octavia downplays it.  
 “Like I said, I have plenty of room. No big deal.” 

And if Clarke wanted to see Octavia, was happy under Bellamy gaze; the sight of her meager possessions in a drawer at the Blake’s almost makes her heart stop.

And while she had every intention of leaving, of letting Octavia and Bellamy go on with their lives, she can’t. She can’t pretend they don’t mean something to her. That the sight of her things in a place that she once called home doesn’t give her hope. Hope that, though she isn’t the same, the new her might be able to belong. To find a role here with the new and improved version of the Blake’s. 

Because they have changed just as much as she has. And Clarke tells Bellamy as much as they wait for Octavia to come, so that they can eat dinner. 

“I told you!” He says, a slight smile on his face. “What tipped you off?” 

“Well, when I didn’t see one butterfly in Octavia’s room, I thought something was up.” 

Bellamy just laughs, his smile reaching his eyes. And it mesmerizing her. 

And that fluttering feeling in her stomach is one of the main reasons Clarke tries to stay out of the apartment as much as possible. 

That, and the fact the Octavia is always busy with something. Study group, kickboxing, classes, her new boyfriend that the brunette insists Clarke meets soon. But that means Clarke is typically alone in the apartment. Or alone with Bellamy. And really, that just leads back to that fluttering feeling. 

So there is really only one reason to avoid the apartment. 

Clarke decides to get a job while in town - she’s not quite sure if she’s ready to say for good, but she figures her head and gut will tell her when it’s time to run once more. And in the mean time, she can add to her jewelry box stash. 

She finds a job in less than a week, getting hired at an antic shop twenty minutes from campus. It’s run by an elderly couple, who had been looking for someone to liven up the place. “I think you are just what we are looking for, my dear.” Mrs. Smith tells her with a smile. 

And Clarke is happy they are flexible with her hours, letting her work as many hours as she wants. And the drive is also a blessing, as it gives her an excuse to be away from her past but still close enough to go home each night. 

It isn’t long before Clarke is working most days, finding a cafe close to work that she loves. She also uses the nearby laundromat when she gets off, and often eats dinner at a place that has the best grilled cheese. 

She always makes sure to spend Friday night with Octavia, at the bar while Bellamy works. 

But besides that, she is almost always gone. Allowing herself the space she needs. 

She goes on like this for a couple of weeks. That is until Mr. Smith practically kicks her out of the store. 

“But I’m just in the middle of inventory. I can’t -”

“Yes, you can. Our store has never been better, and that’s thanks to you. But you need a break. So takes a few days off. Everything will be here when you get back.” 

So Clarke has no choice but to go back to the apartment. She stops to buy some vine on the way, thinking of taking a bath or maybe curling up with a book. 

But all her ideas fly out the window when she steps into the apartment to find Bellamy on the couch. 

“Oh, hey.” He says, looking up from his laptop. “You’re home early.” 

“Boss made me take some time off.”

He just laughs, shaking his head. “Figures you would be forced away from the job.” 

She just nods in response, still standing near the door. “I thought you’d be at work yourself.” 

“I had some files to look over, and its easier to do here than at the office. Quieter.” 

“Well, don’t let me stop you then.” Clarke says, moving quickly to the hall. But Bellamy stops her. 

“You don’t have to go. I was actually thinking of taking a break. And seeing as you brought home some libations . . .” 

She can’t help but laugh, feeling her reservations turn into something warm inside her at Bellamy’s expression. 

“Just one glass, and then it’s back to work mister.” 

“Whatever you say Princess.” 

So they sit on the couch, sipping from their cups while Bellamy tells her about his work. But it isn’t long before she notices his proximity and the way his eyes seem to see through her. And she suddenly feels tight, constrained. It wells inside of her, coming over her and her surrounds. And she suddenly feels like she can’t sit still another moment. 

“Well, I’ll let you get back to it.” She says, cutting Bellamy off mid-sentence. But when she stands and practically runs to the hall, his words call her back. 

“You don’t have to tiptoe around the apartment, you know.” 

“I’m not.” Clarke says, but she doesn’t even believe it - her response coming to quickly, her voice higher than normal. 

“Yes, you are. You act as if you can’t be yourself here, won’t let yourself breathe. And don’t tell me you aren’t holding back. I know you, Clarke.” 

And she wants to argue, to tell him that he can’t possible know her. How can he, when she isn’t even sure she knows herself. 

But she can’t seem to put it into words, to begin to explain. So they end up staring at each other, neither moving nor saying anything. And just as Clarke is about to bolt, Bellamy decides to speak. 

“I get it, why you ran away. I would have done the same thing.” 

“Really?” Clarke says, her disbelief evident. But there is a twinge of desperation she hopes Bellamy doesn’t hear. He must though, as he is gesturing for her to come back to the couch. Not continuing until she is seated next to him. 

“Of course. I mean, after what happened with my mom, I’d have given anything to just disappear. To take off and never come back. Leave my aunt’s and everything behind. But I couldn’t. I had Octavia and she needed me. So I had to stay.” 

And Clarke just nods, because she knows about their time under their aunt’s care. An aunt who was still young herself, but their only option. So while she often left them alone for weeks at a time, Bellamy picked up every odd job he could to make sure Octavia had everything she needed, everything she wanted. 

Because that is the type of person Bellamy Blake is. 

And suddenly Clarke is shaking her head, not believing this man capable of understanding. Because he isn’t selfish like she is. He might not be perfect, making more than a few mistakes in his life. But he always looked out for his own. While Clarke, she doesn’t even know what is hers - not anymore. 

But she knows she doesn’t deserve forgiveness. Not from him. 

So she just shakes her head, trying to get away from him. But he takes hold of her, his hands wrapping around her biceps easily. 

“Someone once told me they believed in second chances. Well, I didn’t. But I think I do now. That while you were away, I came to believe too.” 

And Clarke just stares at him, her eyes welling with tears while she recalls a moment between her and the oldest Blake. 

_Clarke has been rooming with Octavia for just over a month now, and she has come to love the brunette much quicker than she anticipated. Especially since Clarke hadn’t even expected to make many friends in college, if any. Her mother had told her numerous times that college was for her future, not for fun._

_But Octavia seems to have made her way into Clarke’s heart._

_So when the brunette comes home from a long day of classes with a sore throat and a nasty cough, Clarke doesn’t think twice about taking care of her._

_She made her tea, tucked her in, put on of her favorite movie. She takes the girl’s temperature every hour, puts cold washcloths on her head, gives her medicine. Clarke does everything she can short of taking Octavia to the hospital._

_But still Octavia’s fever climbs._

_It isn’t till around three a.m. that Clarke really starts to worry, and finally breaks down and calls Bellamy._

_Clarke and Bellamy aren’t on good terms to say the least. The older brother seems leery of Clarke and her influence on his sister. It doesn’t help that he is always challenging her, or opposing her in some way. They always end up fighting, yelling at each other until Octavia finally breaks it up._

_But Clarke knows that she has to call Bellamy. Because if Octavia really is sick and she keeps it from Bellamy, Clarke knows the oldest Blake will never forgive her._

_So she makes the call, telling Bellamy to get his ass to their dorm as quickly as possible.   She isn’t at all surprised when he shows up five minutes later, clearly still in his pajamas._

_“What is the emergency, Prin -”_

_But he falls short at the sight of Octavia, running over to where Clarke is sitting next to the girl._

_“What’s wrong with her?”_

_“I think she has a virus of some kind. I’ve been taking care of her, but her fever won’t stay down. I think we might need to take her to the hospital.”_

_And Clarke is pleasantly surprised when Bellamy simply nods, picking up his sister and heading towards the door. He doesn’t even say anything when Clarke follows, getting into the backseat and laying Octavia’s head on her lap while he drives to the hospital._

_They end up sitting next to Octavia’s bed while she sleeps, several ivs of medicine attached to her. But she already seems better as some of the paleness leaves her skin, and Clarke can’t help but feel relieved._

_“Thank you.” Bellamy tells Clarke as they sit side by side._

_“For what?”  “For taking care of her. She is my sister, my responsibility. But still, you looked after her.”_

_Clarke is shocked, tears welling into her eyes at the reverence in his tone. A reverence that is typically saved for Octavia alone, but is now directed towards her. And she’s breathless when she replies, “What are friends for?”_

_It’s Bellamy’s turn to be shocked, remaining silent for several moments before whispering, “Most friends don’t have to constantly fight off an older brother. And older brother who can be an ass.”_

_And there is something in his voice that makes Clarke feel the need to comfort him, reaching out for his hand. “You were just trying to protect her. I understand.”_

_“I know. But you aren’t the enemy.” There is another pause, one that seems to create a shift between them. And then Bellamy says something Clarke never imagines she’d hear, especially not from him. “I’m sorry. For the way I’ve been acting.”_

_“Well, lucky for you, I believe in second chances.”_

_He just shakes his head. But when she smiles at him, he returns the gesture._

Clarke just stares at Bellamy, remembering everything as he says, “There is still time to start again.” 

But when his grip on her loosens, she takes the opportunity to slip away. She spends the rest of the night hiding in Octavia’s bedroom. 

Yet, Bellamy’s words seem to follow her around - screaming at her, forcing her to listen. 

And while she knows she is far from being wholly forgiven, from being completely accepted; she starts to feel more at ease at the Blake’s. 

She starts working regular hours at the shop, washing her clothes in the apartment’s basement, and letting Bellamy make her coffee each morning. Octavia even buys her a Tervis cup to take to work with her. 

She sees more of her best friend. And a few Friday’s later, Clarke suddenly discovers why Octavia has been so distant. 

“I was so scared that I’d wake up, and you wouldn’t be there. That it had all been a dream, a nightmare. That I’d let my guard down for nothing.” A slightly tipsy Octavia tells her, the brunette’s words slurring slightly. “But you aren’t going to do that, are you?” 

“Not without a goodbye, I’m not. Otherwise, you’re likely to hunt me down and use some of those kickboxing moves on me.” 

Luckily for Clarke, Octavia choices to laugh at this response. When really, Clarke is just telling the truth. 

But things seem to ease into a routine, one that Clarke may not fully understand but one that is comfortable at the very least. 

So when she comes home on a Thursday to find Bellamy home early, she doesn’t feel nearly as panicked as she would have a few weeks ago. However, she is shocked that he isn’t alone. 

“Hey Miller.” Clarke says as she shrugs off her jacket, choosing to ignore the two girls who are giggling in the kitchen. 

Miller just nods, but it is enough to get Bellamy’s attention. “Clarke!” He says, shaking off the girls. He smiles widely as he makes his way towards her, throwing an arm around her shoulder. “You are just in time to be on my team for beer pong.” 

“Don’t you think we are a bit old for that stuff.” Miller says, but Clarke only grins. 

“Thats just because you know I can beat your ass.” 

Bellamy laughs loudly, pulling Clarke closer which causes the girls to stare daggers at her. 

“Oh, you’re on Griffin.” 

Clarke and Bellamy dominate the game. Which really means that the girls, Harper and Roma, continually congratulate Bellamy by pressing their bodies to his. He doesn’t seem to notice though, as he cheers Clarke on. 

“Take that Miller!” Clarke says as he gulps down the last cup of beer. Bellamy is pumping his fist into the air, making her smile and tempting her to take a video of him on her phone. She’s sure Octavia, Jasper, and Monty would _love_ to see the oldest Blake acting so carefree. 

But then her mind dwells on Jasper and Monty, and she regrets the idea. She hasn’t seen them since she’s been back, and there is an ache that settles in her chest at the realization. 

“To Clarke!” Bellamy says, snapping her from her wandering thoughts as he gulps down his drink. And she is momentarily distracted by the way he licks his lips, becoming flustered when he catches her staring. “Now, Miss Griffin . . .” But as he takes a step towards her, he stumbles.  
Luckily for him, Roma is close enough to catch him and prevent him from hitting his head on the table. 

“Don’t worry Bellamy, I got you.” She says breathlessly, just managing to pull him upright before he pushes her away. 

“How much has he had to drink?” Clarke ask Miller, watching Bellamy bicker with the two girls. 

“I don’t know exactly. A lot though.” 

“Why? What made you two even decide to drink in the middle of the day?” 

Miller just shrugs, but he won’t look her in the eye as he explains. “Who knows? He just called me, saying he got off early and that he wanted to blow off some steam. I go here just when he was calling Harper.” 

Clarke just nods, thinking that _maybe_ she has something to do with it by the tone Miller is using. Perhaps the steam Bellamy needed to blow off is her. But if so, that seems to have changed as his arm is suddenly gripping her waist.

“What are you two being so secretive about?” He asks in a mock whisper, his eyes shifting between them. 

“Nothing. Just telling Clarke that maybe me and the girls should head out.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good. You, Harper and Roma should head home.” He says, his hand flexing and fingers spreading to cover her side more fully - silently screaming _Clarke stays here_. 

Miller just nods, giving Clarke a look before ushering the other two out of the apartment. Not before they tell Bellamy goodbye though. Roma even gives Bellamy a kiss on the cheek, despite the fact that Bellamy hasn’t let go of Clarke. 

As the door closes behind them, the room settles into silence for a few moments before Bellamy starts to sway. 

“Woah there, lets get you to the couch.” Clarke says, putting her arm around him and guiding him to the living room. She manages to free herself from his grip long enough to get him a bottle of water. But then he is reaching for her once more, pulling her down on the couch next to him. His arms snake around her in a fierce grip, his head coming to rest at the joint where her neck and shoulder meet. His breath washing over her, making her shiver as the fluttering sensation takes hold of her once more. 

“Bellamy, you need to drink some water.”

“No.” He says stubbornly, shaking his head as he nuzzles further into her. 

“Bellamy, _please_.” 

He sighs, muttering against her skin, “If I do, you promise not to move?” 

“Sure.” she says, trying not to laugh at the pouty tone he is using. 

Sighing again, he pulls away and takes the water from her. She makes him drink most of it, repeatedly telling him, “More. Just a little more.” 

“Happy?” he asks, and Clarke simply smiles at him. But then his tongue brushes his lips once more and suddenly she feels like she can’t breathe. And he is giving her a goofy grin, moving closer to her. But when she tries to put space between them, he holds her in place. “You said you wouldn’t move.” 

“ _Bellamy_.” She says, her voice sounding breathless as the tension grows between them. And then his face is coming closer to hers, his eyes drifting to her lips as he leans in.   But she places a hand on his chest, keeping him at a distance. 

“Clarke, what’s wrong?” He says, moving a hand to rest overtop of hers. 

“Nothing. Just, we can’t do this.” 

“And what is _this_?” he asks, feigning innocence as his grin becomes wider.

“Bellamy, you know exactly what I am talking about.” 

His face falls as he stares at her, but his grip never wavers. Clarke watches in horror as his eyes becomes glazed and she wants nothing more than to offer him relief. To be what he needs, but she knows comforting Bellamy Blake is the first step down a slippery slope.

“ _Clarke_ ,” he says, his voice breaking slightly. She can’t stop herself from gripping his hand tightly, her thumb rubbing over his knuckles once before he continues. “We - we had something before you left. Didn’t we?” 

And she nods without thinking, her movements making his eyes brighten as he’s  
reassured. 

“We had something. And we can have that again. We were so close, _are_ so close. Why can’t we finally have it Clarke? Why can’t we be together?” 

“Bellamy. I - We -” Is all she can say, stuttering as she tries to get her words out. But its nearly impossible as she stares at him. Even that becomes difficult, especially when he has _that_ look on his face. A look that is hopeful yet desperate all at once. Like a man looking at the sun until his eyes begin to burn. Like he is looking for his destiny, and believes she is it. And fears he is about to lose it all, what little he has. 

He’s looking at her like that, still swaying slightly despite the fact he is sitting. And she feels she has to explain, forcing herself to speak. 

“Bellamy, that was then. _Before._ This - this is now. And right now, you’re drunk. And well, I’m me. So, lets just forget all this.” 

And despite his constant movement and his muddled speech, Clarke still hears him whisper, “I don’t think I could, even if I wanted too.” 

Clarke chooses to ignore his words, instead moving closer to him so as to get a better hold on him. “Come on, you should get some sleep.” 

She manages to get him to his bedroom, tucking him into bed and turning to switch off the light with little resistance from Bellamy. But as she starts to move away, he catches her hand. 

“Clarke, don’t leave again. Don’t go.” 

“I’m not. I won’t.” she replies instantly, not knowing if it’s the truth or a lie. All she knows is she can’t hurt him anymore, not tonight. 

But her true intentions don’t seem to matter as his grip on her hand tightens despite her words. 

She allows herself to falter, letting them have this moment together without question. She holds his hand tightly in her own, brushing her lips against his knuckles before pulling away. Not saying another word as she slips out of the room, closing the door behind her.


	4. Spring Break and Escaping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia decides its time to get the gang back together, and everyone comes over for a movie night. But as Clarke starts feeling overwhelmed, she makes an escape. And who should come to her rescue besides the one and only Bellamy Blake.

It isn’t long till Octavia finds out Clarke spent time with Bellamy and his friends. And to say she’s upset is an understatement. 

“You haven’t partied with _us_ yet! Hell, you haven’t even met Lincoln!” 

Clarke tries not to cringe at the fury in her tone, but her heart sinks at the thought of seeing her old friends, her _children_ as they once referred to themselves. 

So Clarke tries desperately to find a way out of it. 

“I mean, we are all _so_ busy. I have work, you all have classes.” 

“Well lucky for you, spring break is coming up. We will all be free to work around your schedule.” Octavia’s smirk - the one that always reminded her of Bellamy - screams defeat. But Clarke never surrenders easily. 

“Oh, is that next week? I forgot to tell you, I won’t be in town next week. I have to go up North for a few days.” 

But at these words, both the Blake’s faces fall. And it’s Bellamy who recovers first, stating, “Clarke, you said you wouldn’t leave.” 

And it’s Clarke’s turn to shocked silent, as she realizes Bellamy _remembers_. She hadn’t been sure if he was coherent enough to recall their moment on the couch, and later in his bedroom. But seeing as he never hinted at it or acted different in any way, she was hoping he had forgotten. But it seems he still remembered, and had chosen not to say anything. And that is almost worse than if he threw it in her face or things had somehow changed. 

Because that she could handle. She could handle awkward silence and heated arguments.

What she couldn’t handle was his consistency, his refusal to be anything other than what she needed. He doesn’t pressure her in any way, yet remains unwavering. His very presence screaming “I will alway be here - remain the same - for you.” 

And at Bellamy’s words, she tells the Blake’s she will change her plans - not that she was ever going out of town in the first place. 

And that’s how Clarke finds herself having a anxiety attack on a Tuesday night; worrying over what she should wear, how she should act, or what she should say. 

She decides to be casually put together, settling on a pair of slim cargo pants and a worn white shirt she recently received from Bellamy - _“I can’t fit it anymore, and Octavia doesn’t want it. I thought maybe you could use it when painting?”_ He didn’t know that she hadn’t painted since she left, but she took the shirt anyways. 

She had actually curled her hair though, as well as put on a touch of makeup. Octavia still had a tube of Clarke’s favorite lipstick and she is grateful for it. She even puts on heeled booties, that is until the Blake’s fussed at her for wearing shoes in the house.

That had been an hour ago, and to say her nervousness grows with every passing minute is an understatement. She sits, running her hands through her hair over and over again, until Octavia tells her to stop. 

“You’re going to make it all greasy and frizzy. If you want something to do, help Bellamy.” 

So she went to the kitchen and started preparing food. And that’s where she is when the door flies open, as Jasper and Monty make an entrance.

“We have arrived!” Jasper said, a huge smile on his face. “Let the festivities begin.” 

Octavia is laughing, hugging each of them in turn. But all Clarke can do is stare, frozen to the spot. Not that that matters, as within moments, she’s in Monty’s arms. The boy holds on to her gently, like she might break. But when he backs away, Jasper throws an arm around her shoulders, pinning her to his side as he begins leading her to the couch. And the anxiety she felt turns to panic. All she imagines is an animal walking into a trap, without a way to escape. And it must be plastered on her face, because suddenly Bellamy is gripping her free hand, pulling her back towards him. 

“I still need some help getting drinks. You don’t mind, do you Clarke?” 

And she tries to keep her expression neutral as she nods, not wanting to hurt the other’s feelings. But as they retreat back to the kitchen, she squeezes Bellamy’s hand in gratitude. And his smile tells her he understands. 

Just as the others are shouting out drink orders, Miller arrives to give a hand. 

“Hey Miller.” Clarke greets as he comes around the kitchen island to join them. 

“Hey. It’s good to see you again.” He says, giving her an awkward pat on the shoulder that comforts her in a weird way. And the smile on her face is relaxed, the first genuine expression she’s had all night. It must show, as Monty is frowning. And Jasper looks like he is about to say something, but the soft knock on the door cuts him short.

Octavia shrieks, running to open the door for, 

“Lincoln!” 

She hurls herself into his arms, but the man isn’t phased. And from what Clarke can see, he could easily hold five Octavia’s. It isn’t just the strong arms that make her think that he is capable, but the man’s overall vibe. Like he could take on the world and not bat an eye. 

But Clarke’s musing are cut off as Octavia says, “Come on, you have to meet _her_!” 

And Clarke is hastily wiping her sweaty hands on her pants, before the couple is before her. 

“You must be Lincoln. I’m Clarke.” 

He accepts the hand she holds out to him; and if it’s clammy, he doesn’t give it away. 

“Hey. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Octavia’s been telling me about you for a long time now.” 

Clarke just nods, trying not dwell on the man’s words. Trying not to think about Octavia telling this man about her blonde friend, possibly within the first few weeks of dating when Clarke’s disappearance was still fresh. 

She must have zoned out as Bellamy is suddenly asking her to get some more cups, and she turns in a daze toward the cabinet. She still hasn’t recovered, when she suddenly hears Jasper ask, 

“Hey, whats that on your side Clarke?” 

Her head snaps down to see the hem of her shirt is raised, revealing a portion of her tattoo. She makes to pull he fabric back into place, but her hands are rather full with dish ware. Just then Bellamy comes to her rescue. He extends himself over her, his arms coming up to hers in the presence of helping her carry the cups. But the way his flat abs press to her side, obscuring her exposed flesh from view tells her otherwise. As does the look in his eyes, begging her not to hide from him. To accept his help.

They linger like that for a moment, only setting the dish ware on the counter once they hear Octavia quietly reprimanding Jasper. 

When she finally carries their drinks to them, no one asks her about her tattoo. Or her time away for that matter. Instead they discuss what to do, and then what to watch. 

They end up watching the second Thor because apparently it’s Miller’s favorite. And when Monty seconds the choice, no one argues. So they all end up squished in the living room. Lincoln sits on the couch with Octavia on his lap. Jasper is the unfortunate soul that ends up next to them, with Clarke stuck between him and Monty. Miller sits on the floor, using the arm of the couch to support his back while Bellamy takes the only available recliner in the room. 

The movie starts and it isn’t long until Jasper is pressing into Clarke’s side, trying to get some space from the couple who is making out. Monty begins whispering facts about the film in Clarke’s ear, and soon him and Miller are having a discussion about the Marvel universe. 

And they are all closing in on her it seems, pressing her into the them. And she feels as if she suffocating, and her head screams “Get out while you can!” 

She is on her feet in seconds, telling Monty she is just going to the restroom. 

Instead, she grabs her shoes and just manages to slip out the door. She rushes down the stairs, shoving her boots on as she goes. She gasps for air as she emerges into darkness, ignoring the slight chill in the air as she runs away. Remembering the last time she had a movie night with the gang, and had ran to the apartment so as to escape. 

_Octavia had won rock, paper, scissors. Which meant they were watching Love Actually._

_They had only been half way into the film when Clarke got a call from her mom. She smiled, thinking about how she could tell her parents how well she had done on her finals, that she had planned to drive home for summer vacation in a few day and hoped the Blake’s might be allowed to come during June._

_But all the warmth Clarke felt quickly vanished at her mom’s words. Tears rolled down her face as she screamed into the phone, letting her mother know exactly what her daughter thought of her._

_Her friends repeatedly asked her what was wrong, what had happened. But she just shook her head, looking around the dorm once before bolting out the door._

_Her feet carried her at a fast pace as she tried desperately to erase her mother’s words from her memory. “NO NO NO” her mind told her as her feet flew, taking her away from campus._

_She hadn’t had a destination in mind, but it doesn’t surprise her when she ends up outside Bellamy’s apartment. She climbs the stairs and bangs on the door until the oldest Blake answers._

_“Clarke? What the?”_

_But she doesn’t reply. Instead she sweeps into the apartment, making Miller retreat to his room for safety._

_“Clarke, Octavia just calling asking where you were. She’s worried, said you ran out of the dorm, crying. What’s wrong?” Still she doesn’t say anything, rather looking for something to break, something to take her emotions out on. But when Bellamy grabs hold of her shoulders, forcing her to look at him, she feels her heart breaking instead. “Clarke . . .”_

_“I - I didn’t feel like being around any I liked.” She says half-heartedly in an attempt to relieve the furrow in the man’s brow. But it seems to do the opposite, as he pulls her closer to him._

_And as she buries her face into his shirt, she feels herself falling apart. Sobbing, barely remaining upright as she grips Bellamy like a lifeline._

_He lifts her off her feet, carrying her to couch. He even lets her cry for a few more moments until it becomes evident she wouldn’t be calm any time soon. Then, he only manages to pull far enough away to look her in the eye, asking, “Clarke, what happened?”_

_And his soft tone demands an answer, so she tells him. Tells him how her mother just informed her of her father’s condition, stage four lung caner. He had it for some time now, since before they visited at Christmas. But there was no cure, no way for him to survive. So instead of telling their daughter, they hid it from her._

_“We didn’t want you to get upset and worry. We wanted you to focus on your studies.” Her mother had said._

_And now after months of lying, Abigail Griffin finally called to tell her that her father died._

_A week ago._

_Jake Griffin, his daughter’s rock and number one supporter, is dead. Had been for seven days. Seven days in which Clarke studied and prepared for finals, having no idea her father was gone._

_“The funeral is tomorrow.” She manages to choke out as Bellamy holds her furiously, caging her in his arms as if that will keep her from breaking - little does he know she’s already destroyed. “I have to be there.”_

_“We can go get Octavia and something for you to wear, and then we will hit the road. Let me just -”_

_So the Blake siblings stood by her side, supporting her in every way. Bellamy drove through the night, later holding onto her instead of the wheel. Octavia remained silent the whole trip, but finally spoke her mind when Abigail tried to hug Clarke._

_“We are her family now, and we don’t need your help! We can take care of our own.”_

_They were there through it all. Bellamy standing behind her at the funeral as if he was her shadow. Octavia clinging to her as they fell asleep that night in Clarke’s bed._

_They were still there when she pulled away, shoving as much stuff as she could into a bag, before stealing her father’s car and leaving. Leaving them to wake up in her childhood home; abandoning them, abandoning the only family she had left._

__

The tears all falling from Clarke’s eyes as she swings on the neighborhood playground. She kicks at the mulch with each push, wishing she could punish herself instead. 

She is so distracted that she doesn’t even notice Bellamy approach and take the swing next to hers. But when he says, “I knew I’d find you here.”, she isn’t surprised. Just saying, 

“I knew it’d be you.” 

“And how did you know, when you said you were just going to the bathroom Princess?” 

“Because every Knight knows where his princess is.” She says, her laugh sounding a little to bitter as she continues. “And it isn’t the first time you’ve come to my rescue tonight.” 

She still hasn’t looked at Bellamy, but she hears the uncertainty in his tone - as if he could ever say the wrong thing to her. “I’m not your knight, Clarke. And I’m not doing anything special.” 

“But _you_ are special, Bellamy. Your . . . Hell, your more than a knight. You should be a King, for gods sake.” And this time when she laughs, it sounds more lighthearted. “You should be the King, and I’ll be the peasant girl or something.” 

“Maybe a bar wench.” He says, laughing as she punches him. Only regaining his composer slightly before adding, “But really, Clarke. It’s nothing. There isn’t any place I’d rather be than by your side.” 

And despite his light tone, Clarke can’t help but feel shocked as his admission. Causing a heaviness settling over them, which she tries to relieve. Faking a laugh as she says, “Exactly what a knight would say.” 

But her attempt to change the mood doesn’t work, so they sit in silence while swinging. And as they do, Clarke can’t help but think of Bellamy in a suit of armor. Standing in front of her, ready to battle any dragon that comes their way. Whether it is her friends or her family, it doesn’t matter. Even when she pushes him away, he always stays. There for her, just as he is right now. He had protected her when her father had died, and he protected her still. 

But he soon snaps her from her thoughts with his quiet question, “Were you thinking about _him_?” 

And Clarke knows exactly which _him_ Bellamy is asking about. So she replies with a soft, “Yes.” And when she hears a _mhm_ in reply, she knows he wants to know more, but will never ask. So she continues. “I was thinking about how the last time I was at a movie night, I got a phone call that changed my life. How the last spring break I had, I went will Octavia to Miami instead of visiting my dying father.” 

“Clarke -” He says, his voice breaking over her name. “It isn’t your fault, you didn’t know.” 

“But I should have. I should have realized. Heard something in his voice or saw something that just wasn’t right. Maybe if I had visited more - maybe if I paid more attention at Christmas.” 

“But Clarke,” Bellamy says, turning his swing towards her and grabbing the chains of her own. “There was nothing to see at Christmas. It wasn’t like he was bedridden or going to the hospital or anything. And your parents decided to keep it from you, so there was no way for you to know.” 

Clarke laughs through her tears, her words sounding choked as she replies, “Trusting my parents. If I am at fault for anything, it’s that. Well, I’ve learned my lesson.” 

He doesn’t reply, knowing there is nothing to say. So the quiet settles over them once more. But Bellamy can’t seem to sit still, fidgeting in his swing until he finally rises. Coming around behind Clarke to push her, his warm hands pressing into her back and making her shiver. 

“I think about him too.” He finally says, taking Clarke by surprise. 

“Really?” 

“Yah. I think about how much you are like him. How you both have such defined senses of right and wrong. How you both fight for what you believe in.” 

At this, Clarke can’t help but snort. “I don’t see what that got him in the end. And as for me -”

But Bellamy cuts her off. “Did you know he use to call me? After we visited during winter break, he would call me every week or so. He’d ask me to go check on you whenever you had a test or got sick. I can still remember his panicked voice after you told him you were going to that frat party.” 

As Bellamy chuckles, Clarke feels as if her heart is going to explode. And she can barely manage to ask “He did? Really?” through the tremor in her voice. 

“Yeah, he did.” He replies, his voice soft as he grabs the chains of her swing and brings it to a stop. Pulling her towards him, her back to his front as his hands sink down to her shoulders. “I can still remember his last phone call. It was right before finals and he didn’t want to call and distract you. But he asked he to look in on you, to make sure you were eating right and getting enough sleep. And then, then he asked me. Or told me really. Said, ‘Bellamy, if anything happens, look after my little girl. Do everything you can for her, everything you can to help her and make her feel safe.’ I - I think he knew.” 

Clarke doesn’t even try to hide her tears. Instead she tilts her head back to look up at him, asking, “Knew what?” 

“Knew that he didn’t have long and wanted make sure someone would be there for you. That someone would protect you. And knew that I’d do that, no matter what the cost.” 

Clarke lowers her head, her tears continue to stream down her face as she looks at the ground. Her thoughts consumed by her father and Bellamy and how these two men are so willing to support her. One had been her rock, and the other is her knight. And she is stupid if she thought she could live without either of them. 

But as she thinks this, Bellamy pulls away and all she wants to do is scream at him. To tell him he made a promise, and hold him to her. Because in that moment, he is what she needs. Yet, she doesn’t get the chance as Bellamy crotches before her, taking her hands in his own as her knees bump his shoulders. Looking up at her with pleading eyes, his words holding the same amount of desperation. “I know you want to run Clarke. That you feel overwhelmed by everything. But we need you. Ever since you’ve come back, things have been better. And I know its been better for you too. So you have to face it Clarke. You have to stop running.” 

The earnestness in his words force Clarke to acknowledge them. To accept them as the truth. Because even if she doesn’t want to face her past, she knows she has to if she is to ever find peace. And if she needs anything, it is peace. To have beat her demons, even if she choses to leave again - not that she intends to any time soon. So when Bellamy pulls on her hand, she stands. Allowing him to wipe away the tears that remain on her face before heading back inside. 

And that night when Octavia and Lincoln take the brunette’s room, leaving Clarke without a place to sleep, she accepts Bellamy’s offer. Squishing in between Jasper and Bellamy - Monty and Miller had taken the living room. And she ends up with Jasper’s arm around her shoulders, keeping her close to him while her hand reaches out to Bellamy’s chest, his own covering hers and holding it over his heart. And when the oldest Blake’s head drops down to rest on top on hers, she can’t help but smile. Thinking that she is finally peace. That she is finally where she belongs.


	5. Book Fairs and Frat Parties

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia heads out of town, leaving Bellamy and Clarke to themselves. But things take a turn when they get into one of their infamous arguments, while at a book fair no less.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I need to state a warning for language in this chapter. I know it's in the tags and scattered throughout the story, but this chapter seems to have more than the others. Probably due to the arguments that take place. Plus, I alway imagined Bellamy would (realistically) curse more than he does on the show.
> 
> Anyways, hope you enjoy the chapter!

It doesn’t seem like long before Easter rolls around, and Octavia informs Clarke and Bellamy that she is going out of town.

“I saved up my absences so that I can go spend the holiday with Lincoln and his family.” She tells them on Monday morning. “We are planning on leaving Thursday morning, and we will be back early next week some time.” When Bellamy starts to complain, Octavia just scoffs. “You’ll be fine! I’ll be back in no time.” 

But by the time Thursday rolls around, its Octavia who is worried. “Now make sure to do some laundry while I’m gone, otherwise it will be a mess. And don’t eat _every_ meal out, its not good for you. And -” 

On and on she went, until Clarke can’t help but laugh. “Don’t worry Octavia. I’ll make sure he’s alright.” 

The slightly shocked expression on the Blake’s face is less than Clarke expects. But she tries not to ponder what this lack of expression could mean, and instead, pushes Octavia out the door. 

And Clarke keeps her promise, making sure that the apartment stays neat and orderly. She even cooks for him Thursday night, and packs lunch for the next day. She has to work the next night, but knows that Bellamy can manage himself for one evening. 

But it seems he has developed a watchful eye as well, as she comes home after midnight to find him asleep on the couch. She almost leaves him be, not wanting to disturb him. But she knows _exactly_ how uncomfortable the couch is, especially since his legs hang off the sofa that is much to small for him to get comfortable. 

“Hey.” She whispers, coming to kneel next to his head and brushing his hair out of his eyes. “Bellamy.” 

“Clarke?” He asks, opening his eyes and turning towards her. 

“Hey, what are you doing on the couch?” 

“I wanted to catch you when you came in.” He says, leaning his face into her hand as she continues to run her fingers through his hair. “I was wondering if you’d go to a book fair with me tomorrow.” 

“Sure, lets go.” She says easily, smiling at his happy expression. “But why don’t we get some sleep first, hmh?” 

Bellamy groans, but gets up all the same. Walking with her down the hall and giving her a quick hug before shutting his bedroom door. And it doesn’t seem like long before Bellamy is shaking her awake, telling her to get up. 

“I’ve let you sleep to late as it is. So you have thirty minutes, then we are out of here. And you’d better eat some of the lunch I made before we go.” 

It is Clarke’s turn to groan, pressing her face into the covers for a moment before making her way to the bathroom. She gets ready quickly, braiding her freshly washed hair before deciding on a baggy flannel, jeans and boots. But as soon as she walks into the kitchen, she know something is off about her appearance.

“What?” She questions, noting the furrow between Bellamy’s brows. 

“Your hair is wet.” 

“And?” 

“You’ll catch a cold.” 

“Well, then so will you.” She says, smiling in spite of herself. She ruffles up his damp curls on the way to get a plate before serving herself the sandwich Bellamy made her. He continues to scowl at her, but doesn’t make anymore complaints. Instead he tells her about the book fair; how is about thirty minutes away and is well known in the area. 

“If its so well known, why haven’t you been before?” 

“Because Octavia refused and Miller practically laughed in my face at the idea so. . .”

“So you recruited me.” She says, as she swings her bag over her shoulder. “I feel so _special_ being your last option.” 

“Oh shut up and put on a jacket.” He says, his grin making her laugh. She shakes her head as he puts on his own leather jacket. She disregards his demand though, slipping out the apartment before him and taking two steps at a time. When he finally catches up, she leaning against his car with a triumphant expression. “Don’t complain when your shivering later.” is all he says before they get in the car. 

Their lightheartedness continues as they drive, Clarke singing along to the radio while Bellamy laughs at her tone deafness. And Clarke can’t remember the last time she acted so silly, but she knows it wasn’t with Bellamy as they were more prone to arguments and demands. But the fact that its him beside her now keeps a smile on her face, even as they pull into the parking lot. 

Clarke tries to hold the same level of excitement as Bellamy, who is practically running around in circle despite the fact that it appears they have pulled up to a barn. 

“Get your ass in gear Griffin!” he shouts, already several paces in front of her. But it seems that isn’t enough, as he reaches back and grabs hold of her hand. He pulls them into the building, and Clarke’s mouth drops as she sees rows and rows of books. Everything from youth adult novels, to Harlequin romances, to biographies and history textbooks. And this is the section Bellamy drags Clarke to, only letting go of her hand to pick up a large book on the Kennedy’s. 

“I don’t care what anyone says, John F. Kennedy was a hoe.” 

Bellamy barely contains his chuckle as he shakes his head. “Yah well, his position could lend itself to having affairs.” 

“Oh, like you would know.” Clarke says, laughing. But it seems Bellamy doesn’t see the humor in her comment. 

“What is that suppose to mean?” 

Clarke is taken aback by the anger in his tone, as he turns to face her. “Nothing, it was just -” 

But Bellamy cuts her off. “Whatever I have or haven’t done isn’t any of your business Clarke. Especially since you want nothing to do with me, in _that_ way.” 

And the glare he levels her with causes anger to rear inside of her, making her scowl back at him. “What the hell is that suppose to mean, Blake?” 

“Nothing, just forget it.” He says, making Clarke sigh in relief. But a contemptuous expression comes over Bellamy’s face as he continues, “That is always your solution, right? Pretend nothing ever happened.” 

Clarke feels as if he has slapped her as she remembers their moment on the couch after beer pong - the moment he tried to connect with her but only get shot down instead. And she feels not only anger, but guilt coursing through her as Bellamy continues to glower at her. She wants nothing more than to yell at him, or perhaps a chance to explain. But everything about Bellamy screams animosity, and she knows that this will soon be a full-blown argument. So instead of making a scene, she turns on her heel and walks away from him. Back through the books to the exit, not stopping until she is outside. 

She waits a few moments, trying to collect her thoughts and hoping Bellamy followed her. But it becomes clear that is not the case, and Clarke’s temper flares inside of her once more. And she can’t stand the thought of Bellamy coming out of the fair, only to find her waiting at the car. So her feet begin to move, taking her away from the barn and back to the main road. All the while, she can only scowl, pondering the standoff and Bellamy’s words. They didn’t seem to make sense, nor did his anger seem logical. But then again, when had her and Bellamy’s arguments ever been sensible. 

She can still remember the time that they had gotten into a stupid fight over what course she should take during her sophomore year, and the fallout afterwards. 

_“Clarke, you have to take an art course!” Bellamy screamed at her._

_“Don’t try to tell me what to do Blake.” She says back, her calm tone like a knife compared to his anger._

_“But you want too, Clarke! And you are talented. You could be an artist, damn it. But you have to try!”_

_Clarke just shakes her head as she pulls on a pair of heels. It not that Bellamy isn’t tell her what she wanted to hear, regardless of whether its the truth. But Clarke knows she can’t sign up for the art course that she so desperately wants to take. Her parents have already told her that she is to focus on medical courses, that she needs to make honors if she wants a shot at attending a prestigious medical school. And it just so happens that the art class she wants to take conflicts with a required course for her degree. So she had done what her parents had wanted, despite the fact that Clarke had stopped wanted to be a doctor by age twelve._

_To say Bellamy is upset that she isn’t following her dreams is an understatement._

_“Where do you think you are going?” he asks, as she stands and makes her way to the door._

_“I’m meeting up with Octavia at a frat party.”_

_“Like hell you are! Neither is Octavia. Finals are soon and -”_

_“Just watch me.” she says, cutting him off by slamming the door in his face. She walks away, despite the fact the Bellamy is now following after her. When she gets to the parking lot, she finds Monty, Jasper, and Octavia already in the car. She practically runs to the available seat, locking her door and telling Jasper to “step on it”._

_He does so, and Clarke turns to watch Bellamy growing smaller in the rear window. She can still see his angry expression as they turn the corner._

_“My brother giving you a hard time?” Octavia asks as Clarke turns around._

_“Thats putting it lightly.”_

_“Well, fuck him for acting like a king. Men, thinking they can control us. You know what, fuck em all!” She says, her words telling Clarke that the brunette has already had a few drinks, probably due to her and Atom’s fight earlier in the week. But Clarke just smiles at her friend, while Monty adds,_

_“Yeah, fuck men!” Making the whole car burst into laughter._

_They make it to the party, and to say it is the stereotypical frat party is an understatement. Keg, mysterious spiked punch, foosball table, pool with scarcely clade people surrounding it. But despite the fact that this is far from Clarke’s scene, she smiles as Octavia hands her some punch._

_“God, this is disgusting.” she says, just barely audible over the music._

_“Good thing I brought this then.” Jasper says, pulling out his flask and handing it to her._

_The four of them stick together the rest of night, dancing and playing darts. Its no surprise that they progressively become more drunk. Just like it isn’t a surprise that Octavia is hit on more than once, although Clarke and Jasper are surprised when they are asked for their numbers._

_Clarke vaguely registers that Bellamy has attempted to call her several times, as well as leaving a heated voicemail on Octavia phone that successfully makes the brunette laugh. Clarke also gets a text from her father, asking when she is free. And she doesn’t have the heart to ignore him; so she replies, telling his she’s out with Octavia and that she will call him tomorrow._

_It doesn’t seem long after that when Bellamy suddenly appears next to them on the dance floor._

_“Get your asses outside, now.” He says, grabbing hold of Octavia arm which she pulls from his grasp._

_“What, are you gonna make me?” The brunette says, smirking at her brother as she twirls around the dance floor. Clarke can’t help smirking herself, taking another swig of Jasper’s flask which only seems to anger Bellamy more. And before Clarke knows what is happening, Bellamy has swung her over his shoulder._

_“Put me down, right now!” She screams, punching his back as he weaves through the party with Octavia, Jasper and Monty following._

_“Don’t test me, Griffin.” He says, making his way to his car and putting her in the backseat. “You two idiots, get it.”_

_“But my car-” Jasper protects, despite Bellamy practically forcing them into the vehicle._

_“We can get it tomorrow.” Bellamy replies, as Octavia clammers into the passenger seat. When all the doors are shut, Bellamy begins the drive back to campus. They all remain silent as the oldest Blake seethes from the drivers seat. But his anger makes him careless, driving over speed bumps as if they don’t exist. Which makes Clarke’s stomach lurch._

_“Wow, watch it.” Monty says, rubbing Clarke’s back in an attempt to soothe her but it only makes her feel worse. She just manages to hold herself together, that is until Bellamy parks outside his apartment. She swings the door open just in time to puke all over the pavement._

_“Clarke!” Octavia says much loader than necessary, stumbling on her way to her best friend. But before she makes it, her brother appears in Clarke’s blurred vision, saying something that doesn’t make sense to her. And then she is back in Bellamy’s arms, this time being cradled while her head lolls onto his shoulder. They make it to the living room before Clarke lurches again, and Bellamy gets her to the bathroom just in time._

_“It’s ok.” He says, holding her hair while she clings to the toilet. “Miller, get the rest of them into my room. Tell them to go to sleep.” He says as his friend appears momentarily in the doorway. And even if she is three sheets to the wind, Clarke still manages to be embarrassed that Miller has seen her in such a state, let alone Bellamy standing overtop of her._

_“I’m fine, go help the others.” She says, waving her hand at him and tying her hair back with the band around her wrist._

_“Miller can handle them.”_

_“Yeah, well I can handle myself.”_

_At this, Bellamy just scoffs before sitting down next to her._

_“I know you can, but why don’t I stick around just to make sure.”_

_Clarke can only nod before another wave of nausea hits her. And it isn't till much later, when Bellamy is trying to get her to fit in his bed along side her three friends, that she is grateful that Bellamy stayed by her side. That she has come to realize that she not only trusts the oldest Blake, but depends on him too._

_She wonders when that happened._

Clarke snaps out of her memory to find herself at a gas station, at least a mile from the book fair. She isn’t really sure how she got there as she was to wrapped up her thoughts. But she knows she is tired, and just a little cold as the sun begins to set - if only she had listened to Bellamy and brought a jacket. 

She goes into the store, buying herself a cup of bitter coffee before sitting at the picnic table behind the station. She begins to rummage through her bag in search of her phone; debating whether she should call a cab, or break down and ask Bellamy to come get her. But before she manages to find it, her hand lands on her sketch pad. Pulling it out, she stares at the cover as she ponders glancing at its contents. She hasn’t drawn in it for nearly two years, as she couldn’t bring herself to look at the drawings that defined her past. She still finds it difficult, her hands shaking despite her tight grip on the notebook. 

Instead, she flips to the back where she finds a blank page. 

She looks at the now setting sun before her, and is suddenly desperate to save the moment. Finding a pencil in the bottom of her purse, she begins to hastily make marks on the page. The result is less than she hoped, as her hand shakes and makes the lines resemble squiggles. But she tells herself that she is just out of practice, only having drawn a handful of tattoo designs since her father’s death. She is almost finished when she suddenly feels hands on her shoulders. 

She just manages to look up and see Bellamy’s freckles in the fading light before he whispers, “Get in the damn car.” 

She knows better to argue. That it is best to keep her mouth shut as she notices his hands shaking and the gleam in his eye. She simply gets in the car, pulling her seatbelt across her before Bellamy starts in on her. 

“How could you just leave? I had not idea where you were and you weren’t answering your phone. You could have been kidnapped or killed or who knows what.” He says, his knuckles white as he grips the steering wheel while Clarke tries to control her shaking; she hadn’t realized how cold it was outside until she was safely in the car. “How did you even plan on getting back to the apartment? Where you just going to hitchhike or what?” 

“No, I -” 

“You know what, I don’t want to hear your excuses. It doesn’t matter now, anyways.” He says, his anger ebbing away to show the worry in his expression as he glances at her. Whatever he sees makes him sigh, shrugging off his jacket and handing it to her. “I told you it’d be cold.” 

She doesn’t say anything, even though she is grateful for the added layer. Instead, they sit in silence as they make their way back to the apartment. They are almost there when she finally gets up enough nerve to ask, “Bellamy, what was that whole argument about?”

“What do you mean?” 

“In the book fair, all those things you said.” 

He is silent as they sit at a stop light, seemingly lost in thought. Clarke almost thinks he won’t answer, when he suddenly begins to speak. “I’m not stupid, I know the reputation that I have. That Octavia told you all about my past _relationships_.” He pauses, glancing at Clarke to make sure she understand. And she nods, because Bellamy is right. Octavia told her about all the girls who threw themselves at oldest Blake, and how he usually ended up taking them home. “One of the main reasons I wanted to live on campus.” Octavia said. But Clarke isn’t quite sure how this piece of information relates to their argument. That is, until Bellamy continues. “Well, after you left, I got back into that _habit_ as Miller calls it. It was a way for me to cope, although it only lasted for a couple of months. Still, I’m not proud of myself for doing it.” 

Still confused, Clarke can’t help asking, “Why did you need to cope?” 

“Because you left Clarke. And being with those girls - well, I could _almost_ forget.” The tremor in his voice forces her to look at him; and as he stares back, everything slips into place. 

His words at the fair hadn’t been out of anger. Instead, they were from fear. Fear that she would discover something about him that she didn’t like. Something that would make her turn away from him - as if such a thing exists. But before she can respond, Bellamy continues, “Even though I had no idea where you were or what you were doing, I realized I couldn’t pretend. Couldn’t go back to the person I was before I met you. So I stopped dating, for lack of a better word.” 

He stops short as they pull up to another light, having run out of words. But instead of pressuring him, she simply takes his free hand in hers. 

“While I was gone, I didn’t _see_ anyone. There was this one guy I met at a bar, but that lasted all of five seconds. And the only reason I even thought about going home with him - well, really, it was because I wanted you.” 

The silence that settles between them is deafening, and Clarke can’t stop herself from glancing at him. But Bellamy just stares straight head, his face lacking its usual color while his hand tightens around hers. “Clarke, you don’t have to tell me what happened while you were gone. It’s none of my business. And like I said, I understand why -” 

But she cuts him off, saying, “I want too.” So she tells him about her different jobs, about her love for mouse shaped ice creams, about her tattoo designs, about Charlotte and her science project. She tells him how much she missed him and Octavia and the others. About how she could never make herself leave the east coast, how heading west always seems like something that would forever remove her from her past. How it would make everything permanent. 

By the time she finishes, they are parked outside the apartment. Clarke turns toward him, waiting till he does the same before saying, “If you’re looking for forgiveness Bellamy, you don’t need to ask it from me. You already have it.” 

He looks at her for a moment, his eyes boring into hers before he whispers, “So do you.” He reaches forward, brushing a strand of hair behind her ear and smiling at her. A smile that seems to hold so much, and Clarke gets that fluttering feeling as Bellamy seems to edge closer to her. But instead of leaning in, he continues to smile at her, simply saying, “Come on Clarke, lets go inside.” 

And despite her disappointment, she can’t help but smile, letting him take her hand once more while they climb the stairs. And when she nestles into his side while he shows her the books he bought - several are for her - she can’t help but think that _maybe_ her and Bellamy have a chance this time.


	6. Happy Endings and Mistletoe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Octavia comes back from her trip with Lincoln, but now she has a fiancé. Which leads Octavia to ask her maid of honor for a party. So between planning and text messages, Clarke snaps at Bellamy. What better way for him to make it up to her than to let Clarke draw him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to say thank you _SOOOOO_ much for all the comments you guys left after the last chapter. I loving seeing what you, as readers, think of the story. I hope this chapter lives up to the last! Enjoy!

It isn’t long until Octavia comes back from visiting Lincoln’s family, returning with a diamond ring on her finger. 

Clarke couldn’t help but beam at the brunette, happy that Octavia has found her happy ending. Bellamy, on the other hand, is not so joyful. He has given his sister the silent treatment for days, and glared daggers anytime the girl’s fiancé makes an appearance. After a week, Lincoln finally takes Bellamy aside and talks to him - what about, the girls never know. But when they reappear, Bellamy is no longer radiating hostility and even apologizes to Octavia later that night. 

As soon as Bellamy does so, Octavia turns to Clarke with a smirk. And Clarke knows she is in trouble as the brunette moves toward her, making Clarke shake her head. “What do you want Octavia?” 

“Well, seeing as you’ll be my maid of honor, I think it only right you throw a little get together to celebrate my engagement.” 

Clarke can’t help but stammer. “I-I’m your. . . You want me to. . .” 

But Octavia continues as if Clarke never opened her mouth. “It should probably be soon too. Maybe this weekend, since exams are coming up.” 

“But I can’t get everything together that quickly!” Clarke nearly shrieks, ignoring Bellamy who is suddenly at her side, his hand coming to her shoulder before squeezing it encouragingly. 

“Oh, of course you can. It doesn’t need to be fancy or anything. Just something for the gang to celebrate.” When Clarke still looks at her in panic, she continued, “I’m sure you’ll manage just fine.” 

And that is how Clarke finds herself attempting to carry a large amount of grocery bags into the apartment all at once, not wanting to make multiple trips down to her car. However, she only takes a few steps towards the building when one of the bags begins to rip, and Clarke scrambles to get a better hold of it before everything spills on the pavement. 

But just at that moment, Bellamy appears before her, taking most of the bags into his own arms. 

“What are you doing here? I thought you had work?” She asks, still slightly shocked from his sudden appearance - not that she should be, it seems Bellamy always shows up when she needs him. 

“I did, got off early.”

“Lucky me. Now you can help me get everything ready.” 

Bellamy just shakes his head, but doesn’t say a word in protest as they climb the stairs to the apartment. 

And Bellamy does everything she asks, helping her prepare the food and set everything up. He only laughs at her once, when he finds out just how much ice cream she has bought. 

“Why do you need neapolitan, mint chocolate chip, _and_ ice cream sandwiches?!” 

“Because.” is her only reply, not wanting to tell the truth. That she knew mint chocolate chip is him favorite, and his smile upon seeing it is the reason she bought it. The sandwiches are for her - so what she had gotten addicted in Florida and this is the best she could get. 

As the the neapolitan, well, its a classic.

Everything else seems to go according to plan, even down to the miniature crab cakes turning out alright, not that anyone will believe they are homemade. Just as Clarke is about to pull the cream puffs out of the fridge to unthaw, she hears her phone buzz. 

Bellamy reaches it first. 

“Here you go.” he says, with a slight frown. Clarke gives him a questioning look, but says nothing as she takes the phone from his outstretched hand. 

She looks down to see a text from Finn, opening it to discover he needs her help with a tattoo design. A watercolor tattoo of a butterfly. Clarke can’t help but smile. 

“Do you have any colored pencils?” She asks, turning back to Bellamy who still has a furrow in his brow. 

“What? Yah, sure. Let me just . . .” 

And he leaves only to reappear moments later holding her art kit, the one he had bought her for Christmas. 

“You kept it?” Clarke breathes, a blush spreading over her face. 

“Of course. Knew you’d be needing it someday.” He says, his voice not sounding nearly as confident as his words would suggest. But he brings the supplies to her spot on the couch, letting her run her fingers over them before asking, “Suddenly got some inspiration?”

“More like a friend needs my help.” She said, letting Bellamy look at Finn’s botched attempts to draw the tattoo design. He doesn’t reply. Instead, he lets Clarke focus on her drawing as she swirls blues, purples, and yellows across the page. Nearly twenty minutes later, Clarke puts down her pencils and smiles. Taking a picture of it, she sends it to Finn. And only moments later, she gets a reply; a picture showing Raven and a redhead - the girl who Finn is tattooing. Both girls wear a goofy expressions and Clarke can’t help but respond, sending a funny face of her own which Bellamy photobombs - Clarke later saves it to his contact information. 

Before Clarke had even manages to stop laughing though, Bellamy asks, “So this Finn is the one who gave you your tattoo?” 

“Yah” she manages, her laughter just starting to ebb away. But when she sees the look on Bellamy’s face, she can’t resist asking, “Why?” 

“Oh, no reason. Just - that was probably intimate.” 

“Hardly.” She replies, not telling Bellamy how it was only her and Finn in the office after hours. And how afterwards, she had gone to the bar to seek out companionship that she could not get from the one person she wanted - _him_. “Besides, he has a girlfriend.” When Bellamy’s expression doesn’t change, Clarke feels a rush of anger course through her. “I already told you, I didn’t see anyone while I was gone. Do you not trust me?!” 

Bellamy must see through her cold tone, as he is suddenly beside her with his hands on her shoulders. “No, of course I do. I’m just . . .” But it appears he can’t find the right words, as he suddenly says, “I’m sorry. Of course I trust you. What can I do to prove it?” 

“Let me draw you.” 

“What?” 

“You heard me.” She says, not wanting to elaborate. To tell him that she has wanted to draw him for some time. That she often stared at his freckles in an attempt to memorize them and put them down on paper. 

Bellamy still looks to want answers, but instead he asks, “Where do you want me, oh great art master.” 

So she tells him to stay on the couch, to get comfortable while she gets a chair from the kitchen table. She sets up her easel and chair only a few feet from him, staring at her subject as he stares back. And after a few minutes, an expression crosses Bellamy’s face; one of not only happiness but also wonder, as if he can’t believe what he is seeing. 

And so Clarke begins to draw him as his expression remains to same, never leaving hers as her hands skim across the paper. She managed to outline everything, wanting a reference before she begins placing his freckles in relation to his nose, feeling giddy at being able to finally do so. 

But just as she starts to define the sketch of his lips, the door opens. 

“What are you to doing?” Octavia asks as she and Lincoln walk in. 

“Oh nothing.” Is all Clarke says, quickly closing her sketch book and gathering up her supplies. But as she stands, Bellamy walks toward her, taking the kit from her. 

“I’ll just keep it in my room.” He says, bending down to give her a kiss on the cheek before leaving. And if Octavia notices the slight blush on Clarke’s face, she doesn’t say a word, as Clarke thinks back to the first time Bellamy kissed her. 

_It is Christmas Eve when Clarke hears a knock on the door. She can’t help but run to the door, opening it and pulling the person she thinks is Octavia into her arms. She realizes almost instantly that she is wrong._

_“Miss me that much?” Bellamy asks, his laughter vibrating through his chest and into Clarke. She is so distracted, she misses him leaning down to whisper “princess” in her ear._

_When she pulls away from him, she gives his an “as if” look, which only makes Octavia laugh harder. But before she can say anything, her mom is behind her._

_“You must be Octavia and Bellamy. I’ve heard so much about you. Why don’t you come in out of the cold?”_

_Clarke can’t help but roll her eyes at her mother’s polite tone, especially since it was Abigail in particular who wasn’t keen on having the Blake’s during the holiday break. But Clarke chooses to ignore her mom, and instead helps Octavia with her bags. They shuffle into the house, heading towards the stairs so that they can put their stuff away. But before they can do so, Jake Griffin is before them; hugging Octavia and giving Bellamy a handshake._

_“Let me help with those.” He says, taking Octavia’s bags before Clarke can protest._

_“But dad, you were watching the game.” she says, even though she is unsure of what sport her dad is even watching._

_“And it will still be on by the time I get back. Perhaps you’d like to join me Bellamy? I don’t know if you like college sports but . . .”_

_So Bellamy ends up in front of the television with Jake while Clarke and Octavia attempt to help Abigail in the kitchen. But they both end up tipsy as they sip from the wine bottle whenever Clarke’s mom has her back turned. Although, Clarke is sure Abigail has seen the girls doing so, but her mom chooses not to say anything in front of their guest._

_However, it seems her mom can only take so much when she gives Clarke a stern face during one of the girls frequent laughing fits._

_“Perhaps you could pull yourself together long enough to see if your father or Bellamy need anything?” Abigail says, giving Clarke a look that tells her to behave._

_“Yeah, of course.” Clarke says, making her way to the door._

_“I”ll go with you.” Octavia says, still giggling. But when she gets off her chair, she sways ever so slightly, which tells Clarke the brunette is more drunk than not._

_“No, no. You’re the guest. You just stay in your seat, and I’ll be right back.” And with that Clarke turns toward the living, walking through the doorway only to run into Bellamy._

_“Wow, princess.” He says, his arms coming around Clarke to keep her steady. “Don’t worry, I’ve got you.”_

_“I’m fine, Bellamy. Really.” She says, although she makes no effort to step away from him. Her slightly tipsy state making his warmth seem all the more inviting._

_“Mhm” is all she gets in reply, as he holds her tighter for a moment before beginning to move away. But just as they are disentangling, they hear Octavia shriek from behind them._

_“Mistletoe!”_

_They both look up to see the green plant, only to groan. Which causes Clarke to glare daggers at him._

_“What, is kissing me that bad!?!” She half yells, half whispers as she tries to push away the hurt and rejection she is feeling - its not like she wants him to kiss her anyways._

_But before she can pull away from him, he’s leaning forward, muttering, “Maybe not. But I’d rather not while you’re parents watch. Especially since I’ve just met them, and plan on staying here for an entire week.”_

_And Clarke can only nod in agreement, noting that Octavia is the only one excited about them being caught under the mistletoe. Although, her dad’s expression isn’t entirely . . ._

_Clarke shakes her head, looking back up at Bellamy, momentarily fixated by his brown eyes before saying, “Yeah, of course. Just forget it. We can -”  
But she doesn’t finish as Bellamy is suddenly leaning towards her. And Clarke gives into instinct, closing her eyes and leaning forward, only to feel Bellamy’s lips brush her cheek. When she opens her eyes, she sees him smiling down at her, an expression she has been seeing a lot more of in the past weeks. _

_But he breaks into her thoughts, asking, “Now, was there a reason you were heading in here? Because I was going to ask when dinner would be ready.”_

_And so Clarke snaps back to reality, getting the guys refills on their drinks, and ignore the looks everyone seems to be giving her and the oldest Blake._

_But that doesn’t stop Bellamy from repeating the action on New Year’s Eve, at the Griffin’s annual party._

_Rather, it’s the beginning of him kissing her cheek, and forehead for that matter, quite often. When they met up for movie nights, or when she and Octavia leave his apartment. And no one ever says a thing._

Clarke reasons that this is why no one says anything now, although Lincoln is looking at Bellamy with raised eyebrows. But she suppose that it was such a regular occurrence for them, Octavia doesn’t see the way Clarke is flushed or continues to glance at Bellamy once everyone shows up. 

But Clarke slips into hostess mode, despite the fact that there is a total of eight people. Although, that’s more than she expects as she was unsure if Miller would show. And Jasper finally brought his new girlfriend Maya, who he has told Clarke and Octavia about at length. As the night continues however, Clarke realizes that Octavia was right to tell her not to worry. This is just another night with the gang, although they drink champagne and toast to Octavia and Lincoln’s future happiness. 

And it seems Clarke finally relaxes as the majority of the group huddles around the coffee table to play Uno. Leaving Clarke to try not to stare at Bellamy, while she and Lincoln sit on the couch. They don’t talk, choosing to watch their friends until Lincoln asks if he can see Clarke’s drawing from earlier. 

“That is what you were doing, right? Drawing Bellamy?” 

“Um, yeah. He owed me.” She offers as an excuse, not wanting to tell the man about their argument. 

But Lincoln only shrugs, remaining stoic even after Clarke hands him the sketch. She is starting to get nervous, wondering if her work is that bad when he finally says, “It’s really quite good.” Clarke only manages to breathe out a sigh of relief before he continues, “I’ve never seen Blake _actually_ look content. Although, it does seem he’s changed for the better since you’ve returned. Like he’s happier.” And as if on cue, Bellamy lets out a loud laugh that fills the room. And Clarke looks up in time to see him thump Miller on the back before his gaze turns to her. The same amazement in his eyes when he looks as her, just as there was when she was drawing him. 

Clarke can’t help but smile back, despite her blush. 

Lincoln continues to look at the picture, even discussing technique - turns out he draws as well, although he prefers using oiled charcoal. 

But it isn’t long until Lincoln states, “You’ll never be able to finish this sketch.” When Clarke only gives a confused, and slightly hurt expression, he continues, “Not that you aren’t talented enough to do so. But this began in the moment, and now it’s past. Perhaps you can finish it from memory, but it won’t be as good.” 

When Clarke only nods, Lincoln begins to look at some of her other drawings and asks questions. And while Clarke manages to reply to all them, she can’t stop her mind from wandering.

She can’t help looking around the apartment in disbelief, remembering that she only intended to stay for a day but has remained for months. How she has stayed, and even managed to make a home here, despite all her reservations. And when she thinks as to why that is, she looks to Octavia - the girl who might have been mad at Clarke but still believed in her friend. And now the brunette is getting her happy ending. 

And then she thinks of the other person who has made it possible for her to return home, and her gaze lands once more on Bellamy. The man who never pressured her into staying or changing the person she’s become. Yet he remained by her side, constant despite her attempts to resist him. How he has brought her peace and forgiveness that she couldn’t find on her own. Knowing he is the reason that neither her heart nor her head as told her to run away again. 

That he is her happy ending. 

And just as this thought comes to mind, his eyes find hers. He wears the same expression from before, one that she is beginning to think is reserved just for her. And all she can hope is that maybe some part of him feels the same towards her. That she means something _more_ to him. That this thing between them isn’t just a fleeting moment. Because she doesn’t know what will happen to her if it is, if he passes her by. And she begs “Dear God, don’t let it end”. Because she doesn’t want to miss another moment of _them_ , to miss _him_ ever again. 

As he continues to stare at her, through her; she silently pleads for him not to leave. To please be _more_.


	7. Finals and Movie Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke helps the gang study, and gets rewarded with a night out. But when some women start hitting on a seemingly eager Bellamy, Clarke can only think of heading West.

Exams roll around, which not only means that the apartment is constantly occupied but also that the inhabitance are radiating stress. 

The first time she comes home to a study session, Clarke is just getting back from closing the antique shop for the night. She manages to drag her feet down the hall, only to find her and Octavia’s room is at a breaking point. 

“Clarke, thank god you’re here. Finally someone who can quiz me and understand the material.” Jasper says, grabbing hold of Clarke’s arm and pulling her to the ground. Only giving her a second to take in the scattered papers and food wrappers. And then she is testing Jasper while Monty comments from the chair in the corner. All the while, Octavia is sprawled across her bed, asleep. Clarke wishes she could do the same, but finds herself unable to abandon the boys in their frantic state. Leaving her at the mercy of Monty and his physics study sheet. It isn’t until close to three a.m. that Bellamy comes to her rescue. 

“What are you guys doing?” He asks, confusion and exhaustion written on his face. 

“Studying, what does it look like.” Jasper replies, before turning to Clarke. “Maybe now that Mom is done with her favorite, she can help her other kids out.” 

Clarke doesn’t even feel an ounce of panic being called “mom” - a nickname she was given a long time ago. “I don’t have favorites.” Is her simple reply as she slowly makes her way towards Jasper. But before she can sit, Bellamy’s hand grabs hold of her arm and pulls her towards him. 

“I think Clarke should leave you kids to suffer while she gets some sleep.” 

“No, no. It’s fine. I can -” 

“See Dad, Mom says its no problem.” Jasper retorts, all while Monty complains about the noise. 

“Yeah, she says that. But _Mom_ has been running the shop all week since Mr. Smith had knee surgery and his wife doesn’t want to leave him. And she has to be there early again tomorrow. So why don’t we let her get some sleep, hmh?” 

But when Monty goes to leave the room, Clarke stops him. 

“You guys can stay here. I still need to shower and get ready for bed.” When Monty glances at Bellamy, Clarke reassures him. “Don’t let _Dad_ scare you. I’m fine. And the Smiths will be back after tomorrow so I’ll get plenty of sleep then.” 

“And have more time to help us!” Jasper says happily, only to shrink under Bellamy’s glare. 

“Yeah, so long as you don’t take advantage.” The oldest Blake says before pulling Clarke out of the room. “You really shouldn’t let them use you like this.” he says as he follows her on the way to the bathroom. 

“They don’t mean any harm.” She says, dismissing his comment with a wave of her hand. “Now, why don’t _you_ head to bed. Maybe some sleep will help your mood.” 

“Just because you can boss them around doesn’t mean you can do the same to me.” He replies with a huff. Yet Clarke can’t help but smile as he continues down the hall to his room. 

Clarke showers quickly, not bothering to even brush her hair before wrapping her towel around her. But when she walks into her room, she finds the Octavia is now accompanied by the two boys who are barely managing to stay on the bed. Clarke can’t help but smile, only staying long enough to find some pajamas before leaving the room. Back in the bathroom, she changes and resigns herself to sleeping on the couch. Yet, she only makes it to the hallway before Bellamy is holding onto her once more. 

“Why don’t you stay in my room for the night?”

“No, I don’t want to be a burden. I’ll just -”

“Please, Clarke; like you are a burden to me. Now, come on. You’re only going to get a few hours sleep as it is.” 

So she lets him lead her down to hall to him room, which is barely illuminated by the lamp on his nightstand. But as she climbs under the blankets, Clarke’s heart begins to race as she tries desperately to keep distance between herself and Bellamy. But it seems he has other plans as his arm shoots out to snake around her waist, pulling her back flush against his chest. Only managing to stifle a sigh before asking, “Comfortable?” 

Clarke shifts around, moving her legs until the end up entangled within his. “Now I am.” She finally says. 

“Good. Now get some sleep.” 

And she does just that, only waking when her phone alarm continuously sounds.

And its the beginning of a routine. Octavia, Jasper and Monty taking the brunette’s room in order to study all hours of the night while Clarke takes up residency with Bellamy. The oldest Blake begins making dinner for the group, while Clarke helps them study. Sometimes Maya or Lincoln stop by as well, while Miller often brings by a box of muffins from the bakery near the bar. 

But it only lasts just over a week, as the Juniors take their exams. And if Clarke thought she’d finally get some rest, she was wrong. 

“I’m so glad you got the night off!” Octavia says over the music as they head into the bar Bellamy and Miller work at the Saturday after exams. 

“Yeah, well I get all next week off too.” 

“Mr. Smith is recovering alright then?” Monty asks, having met the antique shop owners when he visited Clarke with a coffee and bagel as a thank you for helping him study.

“Mhm. And he said for you to stop by any time you’d like. He wants to play another round of chess.” 

Monty makes to respond, but is cut off by Jasper waving them over to the side of the bar him and Maya currently occupy. And it isn’t long before Bellamy is in front of them, handing out drinks and taking food orders. 

“For the lady.” He says, placing a fruity flavored martini before Clarke. 

“And how do you know this is what I wanted.” She says, giving him a challenging look which only makes him laugh. 

“Because I know you, princess.” He replies, before adding, “You should probably eat something too, seeing as you’ve been living off pastries all week. Maybe a sandwich or -”

“Or some chili cheese fries.” 

Bellamy glares at her, grumbling about “real food” and “healthier options”, but she still gets her french fries within ten minutes. As well as another drink. 

Lincoln barely contains a laugh when Clarke winks at the oldest Blake, who makes a face at her in response. Jasper becomes flustered, saying that Mom and Dad shouldn’t fight in public. He is only placated by Maya laying a hand on his shoulder. Jasper only just starts trying to catch the peanuts Monty throws at him into his mouth when his girlfriend asks, “So, how long have you and Bellamy been together?” 

Clarke nearly chokes on the fries, causing Miller to lean over the bar to thump her back while she waves off a concerned looking Bellamy. But even after several moments of breathing Clarke still feels stunned. 

“Bellamy and I aren’t together.” 

Maya’s expression shows shock, perhaps even disbelief. “Really?! You two just seem so in tune to each other. I could only assume you were dating or had feelings of some kind.” 

“No, no. We aren’t - I’m not -” But with a look from Octavia, Clarke feels her face flush further as she recalls the time her best friend made similar claims, only to realize the truth. 

_Octavia had finally ended things with Atom, which leads to the two girls having a movie night. One in which No Boys were allowed._

_They are eating their second carton of ice cream while watching their third movie when the film reaches its climax; the man professing his love to the main character who seems unable to come up with a witty response for the first time in the movie._

_“Now see Octavia, thats the kind of relationship we should look for.”_

_“What do you mean?” She says, still sniffling slightly._

_“I mean, we should look for someone who is our equals. Someone who not only understands, but challenges us. Who drives us crazy but makes us see things differently. Someone who can take my crap and can keep up with your energy. Not only accept it, but give as good as they can take. Someone who can be caring and steady, but also unpredictable and exhilarating. Someone who just seems to fit.”_

_When Clarke finally turns to her best friend, Octavia’s eyebrows are raised. “You do know who you just described for yourself, don’t you?”_

_“What? No -”_

_“You just described your relationship with Bellamy.”_

_Clarke can only stare at the girl, completely flabbergasted. “I did not! We aren’t -”_

_“No, I know you guys aren’t officially anything. But I see the way you two are. You’re arguments turn to banter. Your glares make Bell laugh. You both say you can’t stand each other; but whenever you need help, it’s always him you call. And he does the same to you! Just last week when he sprained his knee running, he called you to pick him up - not me. And yes, you two were arguing when you got him to the apartment; but if you tell me that was from actual anger and not worry, I will strangle you.”_

_Clarke can only stare at her friend, unable to deny the brunette’s words. Clarke would be lying if she denied having feelings for Bellamy. Not that she wants them. She had actually tried fighting them for some time, not wanting to ruin what they have or put Octavia in an awkward situation. But her heart flutters around him all the same, becoming a regular occurrence somewhere between Halloween and Christmas._

_But that doesn’t mean Clarke expects her and Bellamy to become anything other than what they are; Octavia’s older brother and her annoying roommate. Sure, they get along, even depend on each other in some way. But to be something real? That is out of the question. Not only because of Octavia but because they want entirely different things. He is more of a casual dater while she - well, she doesn’t date at all. Doesn’t want to bother with something temporary when she wants the real thing._

_But still, she can’t deny Octavia’s observation or that sometimes Clarke wishes for more._

_So instead of coming up with an elaborate lie or some excuse, Clarke just says, “Shut up” and suffers through Octavia’s teasing._

And remembering Octavia’s words makes her blush now, while under Maya’s watchful stare. But Clarke can’t answer, still unsure of what Bellamy and herself are after all this time. So instead she drains her glass and asks for another. And it isn’t long till they are all crammed onto the small dance floor the bar offers. Clarke twirls around and around with Monty, her head spinning all the while. 

“I think I should go sit down for a bit.” She says over the music. Monty instantly offers to join her, but Clarke just shakes her head. “No! I’ll be back in a few.” 

So she makes her way to the bar, watching her friends while she waits for someone to take her order. And it doesn’t seem like long before Bellamy is before her, a smile on his face as he leans across the bar towards her. 

“What can I get you, princess?” He says, his hand reaching out to brush a curl behind her ear. 

“Um, I’m not sure. Maybe a beer? Or -”

“How about water instead.” He says, quickly filling a glass and placing it before her. 

“I don’t need you to baby me.” 

“I know. In fact, I think you’ve told me that several times. But that doesn’t mean I can’t worry.” And the look he gives Clarke causes a rush of warmth to curse through her, making her smile up at him while moisture gathers in her eyes. And he’s smiling back at her, moving closer. And just when Clarke thinks he is about to say or do something that could change _everything_ for them, he glances toward the other end of the bar where a group of women have just gathered. “I should probably go take their order. Let me just -” 

“Yeah, yeah. No problem. I’ll be here,” 

And so he gives her one last glance before moving away. But Clarke can’t seem to take her eyes off of him. Watching the way his arms swing at his side as he moves away from her. Or the way his back tenses as he reaches up for a bottle of liqueur. But soon Clarke’s eyes are directed to the women who are asking Bellamy for drinks. 

Although, from a distance, it seems a few are asking for _more_. Clarke knows Bellamy is attractive to most women - it can’t be just her that finds his olive skin and freckles more than distracting. And Clarke never considered herself a jealous person, especially when she doesn’t even have a claim to Bellamy. But something monstrous erupts inside her as she watches some of the women lean across the bar towards him. One of the ladies reaches forward, clutching Bellamy’s bicep in her hand while she laughs about something. Another has what appears to be a ten dollar bill folded up in her hand which disappears below the bar - hopefully reaching for the oldest Blake’s pant pocket. 

And Clarke can’t stop gapping at the group, feeling a strange mixture of emotions inside her - envy, anger and hurt being the most dominant. And just when she is about to march over to the women, wanting nothing more than to give them a piece of her mind, she hears something that stops her dead in her tracks. 

Bellamy laughs as one of the women is pushed forward. And the lady smiles shyly as she moves closer to Bellamy, who is leaning towards her. 

Clarke’s head snaps away, unable to watch any further. Not caring about what happens next. Because her heart suddenly feels like its shattering as she thinks of her rock, her knight, her _Bellamy_ not wanting her at all. She thinks of all the time they’ve spent together, wondering if she forced him to look after her. If he really cared for her, and if so, is it in the way she cares for him? Does he want something more? Or is she still just Octavia’s best friend? Even worse, does he see her as another sister - someone else that he is responsible for. 

Whatever the answer, Clarke finds herself drowning in the possibilities - at the thought of being hurt by this man. And suddenly, her head and heart are screaming at her. Telling her to run - run away as fast as she can. 

And she finds herself unable to ignore it. 

So she quickly clammers off her stool, grabbing hold of her purse before turning towards the exit. 

And for a moment her heart sinks as she is faced with her friends still dancing. Laughing and smiling, celebrating the end of the school year. 

And it hits Clarke like a brick that she feels the need to leave them. That she has to get out. But as she walks towards them she realizes she never fit to start off with - that you can’t go back to the past no matter how hard you try. And thats what she tells herself over and over again as she moves towards Octavia - that her friends are moving on with their lives. That they are almost done with college and then they will move on. While she will still be stuck trying to figure out who she is, what she can be if she isn’t “that poor Griffin girl” - a girl who lost her father and herself. 

“Clarke, there you are!” Octavia says, grabbing a hold of her best friend as they spin around. And Clarke allows the brunette this moment of happiness - maybe it will make up for what she is about to do. 

“Hey, Octavia. I’m going to head out. I’m not feeling to well.” 

“Aw, no! What is it? To much to drink?” 

And Clarke feels her heart break further at the look of concern Octavia is giving her. Which causes Clarke to shake her head. “No, I just think it’s all to much. I just need to go back to the apartment and crash.” 

“Oh, ok. Well, why don’t I go with you. Or maybe -” 

But Clarke stops her short. “No need. I’ll be perfectly fine.” And with that Clarke wraps her arms around the brunette, holding her close in a moment of weakness as she whisper, “Love you, Octavia.” 

“Love you too, Clarke. Get home safe.” Octavia says as she pulls away. Clarke can only nod before turning to Lincoln. 

“Look after her.” 

  “Don’t worry, I intend too.” He says, putting an arm around the brunette. And Clarke has to hold back tears as the couple looks at her with happy expressions. And once again Clarke forces herself to look away, only managing to hug Monty and Jasper before she is rushing for the exist - her heart nothing but a empty hole while her lungs burn and her mind says, “Run, run, run.” 

But Clarke can’t seem to break away without one last glance, turning to see her friends dancing along to the music. And then, at the last minute, she looks back at the bar only to find Bellamy staring back at her - a strange expression on his face. And as she looks into his brown eyes, she can only feel lose and regret. But whether its from returning to her past or having it remain a mystery, she isn’t sure. 

But she does know that her feet carry her away from the bar, out into the warm spring air. And it is then that she nearly breaks out into a sprint, the heels Octavia let her borrow being the obstacle the hold her back - she’ll leave them outside the apartment door as she is unwilling and unable to enter a place that she thought might be home. 

She’ll leave what little possessions she unpacked behind. She can manage with the few pieces of clothing she left in her trunk, to embarrassed to let the Blake’s see her threadbare teeshirts and jeans. But they will suffice until she can get someplace new. She thanks her lucky stars she kept her jewelry box full of cash under the driver’s seat, and she can only hope it will be enough to get her West. 

West, where? She can’t be sure. But she knows now more than ever that she can’t keep pretending to be someone she’s not. She has to make a break for it, once and for all. And heading West, well that will be just the break she needs. 

During her pondering, she has managed to walk a few blocks, weaving in between traffic and through campus in an attempt to make it to the apartment as quickly as possible. But as she reaches a cross walk, she feels an arm grab hold of hers before swinging her around to face, 

“Bellamy?” Clarke asks in disbelief. “What are you -” 

“I saw you leaving the bar and decided to take my break. Thought I could walk you home.” And then he laughs, the same laugh Clarke heard back at the bar. “I didn’t think it’d be a race.” 

“Yeah, well, I’m in a hurry.” Clarke says as the band around her heart tightens. She tries to pull her arm from Bellamy’s grip, but she’s unable to as a confused look crosses him face. 

“Clarke, is something wrong?” 

“Nope, I’m just _great_. Would be even better if you’d just let go.” 

But her words only make him hold onto her tighter, pulling her to him until his arms are secured around her shoulders. “Well, I’m not letting you go until you tell me whats the matter.” 

“Nothings the matter.” But when she sees the look of disbelief on his face, she knows he’s not going down without a fight. And if that’s what he wants, then she’ll give him a fight. “Just, I didn’t realize you were still such a man whore.” 

“Excuse me?” He says, anger evident in his tone as his grip loosens slightly. 

“You heard me. And at work too. I thought maybe -” 

But if Clarke thought she was succeeding, she is wrong as her face is slammed into his chest. “ _Clarke_ ,” he says, desperate and breathless as his words wash over her. “That was - They are celebrating the girl’s bachelorette party. I - you don’t need to be jealous. If -” 

But this time Clarke cuts him off, pushing away and breaking from his hold so that she can let him know that she _was not - is not_ jealous. But when she pushes away, her arms snap back only to collide with a passing bicyclist. The person manages to stay upright, yelling at Clarke as she falls to the ground, her outstretched arms breaking her fall. 

“Clarke!” Bellamy says much to loudly for being so close to her, bending down to her spot on the ground. “Are you alright?” 

“I’m fine.” Clarke says, moving to a sitting position to see her knees scrapped and bleeding as well as some debris in her hands. “Nothing a bandage won’t fix.” 

But it seems Bellamy disagrees as he pulls her into his arms, walking across the street and the few blocks back to the apartment in silence - Bellamy’s expression showing anger and worry, and Clarke’s heart continuously pounding to the mantra “Run, run, run.” 

They get back to the apartment and Bellamy walks them to the bathroom, sitting Clarke on top of the closed toilet lid before searching through the cabinets. 

“Bellamy, it’s fine. Let me just go to bed and -”

But then he is kneeling in front of her, dabbing antiseptic on her wounds while Clarke clenches her jaw.

It isn’t until Bellamy has covered her knees and hands that he finally looks up at her, his eyes boring into hers. “Clarke, those women back at the bar are not important. They are nothing to me.” 

“Could have fooled me.” Clarke mutters, only to have one of Bellamy’s rough hands caress her cheek as she is forced to look at him. 

“Listen to me, princess. There have only been three people that I have ever truly cared about. One is dead, the other is my baby sister, and the third is _you_ , Clarke.” 

And despite the way he is looking at her, as if she is a goddess with a kind of reverence to his words; the insecurities Clarke felt at the bar resurface. 

“Exactly. I’m just another person for you to feel responsible for.” 

Bellamy laughs at his words - not the same happy laugh she has heard so often, but rather a laugh with a bitter edge. “Believe me, I wish I were responsible for you. And not just as your knight or as my baby sister’s best friend. But as something more, someone that was mine.” 

This time, his words leave Clarke without a proper thought in her head - her mind no longer thinking of going West while her heart stops entirely. 

“Are you saying -” 

But before she can even figure out what words to say, Bellamy’s lips are on hers. Pressing on hers gently, as if he is afraid to scare her. Yet it only takes a moment for Clarke to lean forward, her lips becoming fervent against his. But as she leans forward, her injured knees bump against him and cause her to pull away. 

“Are you ok? I’m so -” 

“If you say sorry for kissing her, I will kill you.” She says through gritted teeth, causing him to laugh despite the worry lines on his face. 

“Lets get you to bed.” He says instead, lifting her once more and carrying her to his room.

“Bellamy, I can -” 

“You can sleep right here like you have all week. That way I can keep an eye on you.” 

And with that Clarke slides under the covers, Bellamy coming to press himself to her. 

“Don’t you need to get back to work?” She asks as he switches off the light. 

“I’m sure Miller can handle things.” Is all Bellamy says, a silence settling over them. One that leaves Clarke hanging, her question tumbling from her mouth. 

“Bellamy, does this mean what I think it does?” 

“It can mean whatever you want, princess. So long as I never have to leave your side.” He replies pulling her closer and breathing into her hair. “And maybe that I can get a rain check on whatever was going to happen in the bathroom.” 

Clarke can’t help but laugh, rolling over to nestle into Bellamy’s chest. And as she breathes in his scent, she no longer thinks of running away. But rather, all she can think of is the endless possibilities that stretch out in front of her. That, and the way Bellamy’s lips felt against her own. 

And as she drifts to sleep, she can’t stop thinking that everything is as it should be. As if everything has finally fallen into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the official end of the story. However, there will be an epilogue to tie things up. And yes, it will jump a few years into the future. But I hope that this story has "ended" in a way that you readers enjoy. I just want to thank you for sticking with it this long. 
> 
> Until next time,  
> <3


	8. Hopes for the Future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three and a half years after her father's funeral, Clarke has returned to Jake Griffin's grave. And as she sits before the tombstone, she can't help telling him all about her life since she was last in town.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the wait on this epilogue! I had trouble finishing, as I didn't want this story to end. But all good things must, and so here it is! I hope it is everything you imagined. <3

It’s the first time Clarke has been here since that spring day nearly three and a half years ago. She could never bring herself to return to her hometown, let alone the graveyard that is within the town limits. 

But being within proximity to it made Clarke pull over, unable to pass up an opportunity to see her father. Not that she is one of those people who believes you _have_ to go to someone’s grave in order to feel some sort of connection with them. In fact, Clarke feels nothing but sorrow standing in the graveyard, the ground hard and the wind biting this far north in late November. The flowers she places on Jake Griffin’s grave does bring some brightness to the place, as well as relieving the tight feeling that has settled in Clarke’s chest. 

But still, she doesn’t _feel_ her father’s presence here. 

Instead, she feels it each time she gets behind the wheel of her father’s car - the one she has to put in the shop more often than not just to keep it running. She still refuses to give it up, although now she only drives it when absolutely necessary. 

She feels it whenever she gets a glance at her tattoo, or when Bellamy’s calloused fingers tracing over it as she tries to go to sleep.

She feels it every time she pulls a set of earrings out of the jewelry box he gave her on her tenth birthday - the box no longer acting as a safety deposit. Instead, she opened an adjoint account with Bellamy a few months back. Not that she currently has a job herself. Instead, she focuses on her degree, trying to getting certified to be an art teacher as quickly as possible. 

Not that Bellamy seems to care if she has a job or not, or a degree for that matter. 

“Whatever makes you happy.” He says when she complained about always spending him money, about not having a job, about the amount of time and effort it is taking her to get a degree while he works to support them both. “Besides, soon it will officially be _our_ money.” He adds with that small smile he gets any time he talks about there impending nuptials. 

Not that anyone knows Bellamy has proposed to her at all. He had done so after she made the dean’s list at the close of her sophomore year - the rest of the gangs’ final year. She had received the news just after everyone else graduated. Clarke had’t thought it noteworthy, not even mentioning it. But Bellamy had found the letter one morning while she showered. When she reappeared in their bedroom wearing nothing but a towel, he beamed at her before twirling her around. 

“Congratulations!” He said, a smile pulled wide across his face as he set her feet back on the ground - not that he moved away from her. 

“It’s nothing. I -” 

“It _is_ something. It’s amazing. _You’re_ amazing.” 

And then he’s searching through his nightstand, turning towards her with a gleam in his eye before falling to one knee. 

“Clarke Griffin, would you do me the honor of becoming my wife - the one and only Mrs. Blake?” 

“Well, that’s a lot of pressure.” she murmurs, gripping her towel closer to her. 

“I’m sure you’re up to the challenge.” He says, his smile faltering slightly as he reaches for her hand. “ _Please_ , Clarke. Tell me -”

“Yes.” She says, her words sounding breathless as she rushes to reassure him. “Yes, _of course_.” 

Then he is sliding his mother’s ring onto her finger, spinning her around once again as laughter fills their room. 

It isn’t long before they are falling into bed, Clarke now happy that she is only wearing a towel. 

Later she asks him how long he’s been waiting to propose. “Which was magnificently planned, by the way. Can’t wait to tell people how I just took a shower and was only wearing a towel - in case you didn’t notice.” 

“Well, I didn’t mean for it to happen _like that_.” He replies. “I had been thinking about it for a while now. But I didn’t want to pressure you or anything.” 

“You didn’t. How could you, when you’ve always been _it_ for me.” 

“And you for me.” He says, leaning down to give her a kiss. “So then it was just when - how? What with you getting your degree, my promotion at the office, Octavia’s wedding. . .” 

It was then that Clarke realized exactly why Bellamy had hesitated. 

He didn’t want to take any of the spotlight away from his little sister, especially when her wedding ceremony was only a few short months away. 

And that was when Clarke started wearing her engagement ring around her neck, on a chain that her parents gave her for a locket - a birthday present. They hadn’t told anyone about their engagement, wanting to wait until after Octavia and Lincoln were married. “At Christmas.” She promised Bellamy, an incentive for him not to let the others in on their secret - something that was becoming increasing difficult as he has taken to calling her his fiancée any chance he got. 

But as Clarke sits in front of her father’s grave, she can’t help but tell dad everything. Tell him about how she ran away and the things she experienced on the road. How she _finally_ couldn’t stand the sound of her own heartbeat anymore - how she longed for more. So she came home, back to the man Jake Griffin entrusted his daughter too. Not that it was easy for her to go back, to try and find a place again.

But she has finally managed it. 

Now, she no longer feels weak or afraid being in Bellamy’s arms. She no longer feels out of place going shopping with Octavia, or going to the gym with her for that matter. She laughs every time Jasper calls her and Bellamy “mom and dad”. And she smiles when Monty comes to her for help, typically for advice with his relationship with Miller. 

She has finally found where she belongs, and it shows. 

“You sound happier than ever.” Raven had commented when she called last week. “I’ll have to come visit. See how my favorite blonde is doing.” 

Which makes Clarke beam, the idea of Raven coming to see her. Especially since Octavia and Lincoln have bought a house and plan to move after returning from their honeymoon. 

“More alone time for us.” Bellamy said when his sister closed on a townhouse on the other side of town. But Clarke knows the he’ll miss them - both of them, seeing as Bellamy and Lincoln have become close after the four agreed to share the apartment. 

And it is just when Clarke begins to tell Jake’s headstone all about Octavia and Lincoln’s wedding that Bellamy finally returns to her side. 

Placing a hand on her shoulder, he gives it a squeeze before saying, “We should be going. Octavia’s already called twice wanting to know where her maid-of-honor is.” 

Clarke can’t help the smile that forms on her face, even as she shakes her head. “The wedding isn’t for another three days. I don’t understand why we have to be there so early as it is.” 

“Because Octavia has a spa day planned, and Lincoln needs help with his tux fitting, and a million other excuses they’ll come up with just to get us there _now_.” 

Clarke laughs, looking up at her knight - this man she loves more than anything in the world. His brown eyes shine back at her, and she feels her heart swell - just as it does each time he looks at her _like that_. 

“It must be hard being Lincoln’s best man, he’s _so_ high maintenance.” She manages to say, which only causes Bellamy to laugh. 

“He _does_ take a lot of upkeep.” He says between breaths before saying, “I’m more nervous to walk Octavia down the aisle, to be honest.” 

“Don’t be. You’re the only one who is right for the job.” Clarke says, turning back to her father’s gravestone. She reaches out, her hand tracing the carving of his name before saying, “I wonder who will walk me at our wedding.” 

“Well, if I do an amazing job at Octavia’s, maybe I can just walk down the aisle with you.” He says, his tone attempting to be light. But then she feels Bellamy’s arms wrap around her shoulders, sitting behind her on the hard ground. “Or maybe Lincoln. Or even Monty or Jasper. They’d be honored to -” 

“I was thinking of asking my mom.” Clarke breathes, not daring to turn and look at Bellamy. “I think my dad would like that.” 

It is silent for a moment, before Bellamy finally says, “We’ll go see your mom, ask her if she’d be willing. On the way home from the wedding, of course. If we stopped now, Octavia would never -” 

But Clarke cuts his off with a kiss, letting her hands ruffle his hair before pulling away. “Thank you.” 

Bellamy only nods, hugging her close for a moment longer before getting to his feet. Clarke accepts the hand he offers her. “We really should be going. We can stop by again on the trip back, if you want.” 

Clarke manages a smile, not sure if she will have the strength to make a return visit so soon. But she’ll leave that decision for another time - a different day. For now, she reaches out to brush her knuckles along the curve of her father’s headstone one last time before turning. She walks back to the car, getting into the passenger seat before turning to see that Bellamy is standing before Jake Griffin’s grave. 

She doesn’t dare disturb him though. Instead, she watches as he places the flowers they brought more securely against the stone. Clarke thinks she sees his hand reach out towards the marker, just as she had moments before. But then he is walking back to the car, his face pink from the cold. He climbs into the driver’s seat, not saying a word as he turns up the heat. Yet, when he looks at her, he sighs at the expectant expression she is giving him. 

“I just wanted to let him know I kept my promise. That I’d give my life to keep you happy and safe. And that I’ll keep you by my side for as long as you’ll let me.” 

Clarke can keep the smile off her face as her eyes start to water with unshed tears. “There’s no place I’d rather be.” 

He beams back at her, leaning over to plant a soft kiss on her lips. And then she’s intertwining her fingers with his as he pulls away from the curb. She glances back at her dad’s tombstone, the daisies she placed there burning into her mind. But then Bellamy is singing softly to a song on the radio and she can’t help turning to him, laughing as he ties to hit a particularly high note. Then she’s singing along with him, staring at the bare trees that line the road. And she can’t help but be excited to reach the hotel, wanting nothing more than a hot shower and a comfortable bed. Even if that means dealing with Octavia in full blown bride mode. Even worse, wearing the godawful maid-of-honor dress. 

But the suffering will be worth it. 

It always is.  


End file.
